Eva Knott 10:44 a.m., May 18
Breaking! New Chargers coach "Mike McCoy" revealed to be Chargers counsel Mark Fabiani
Leaked memo outlines "new strategy" in struggle for new stadium
Change the part on the hair, plump the nose, tweak the ear angle, clean up the eyebags, and voila!
Documents obtained by SD on the QT have revealed that new San Diego Chargers head coach Mike McCoy is not, as was previously thought, the former offensive coordinator for the Denver Broncos. Rather, he is Chargers chief legal counsel Mark Fabiani, nipped and tucked and inserted into the team's onfield presence for the sake of rallying public support for a publicly financed new stadium.
"Fabiani has long been seen as the the face of the Chargers' push for a new stadium," reads an internal memo from team President and CEO Dean Spanos to the political action committee Chargers Ask for Stadium Help [CASH]. "While he has been and remains an articulate voice on behalf of our interests, the fact is, he's a lawyer. The Chargers brand is powerful, and inspires love for the team in many fans, but it is not powerful enough to inspire love for a lawyer. To combat this problem, we have repositioned Mark as new head coach Mike McCoy. As McCoy, he should be able to get his message across to both fans and media without triggering anyone's bullshit detector. Especially if we're winning. But even if we're not, he can say that the team would rally if given a huge show of support - like, say, a new stadium. We can't lose!"
The memo goes on to detail the enormous success of the transition, thanks in part to "some really excellent plastic surgery from the same guy who does the boob jobs on our cheerleaders. The only thing he wasn't able to change was the look of bottomless, rapacious greed in the eyes. But if we can convince the public that this is actually just a hunger for victory on the field, then we shouldn't have anything to worry about."
As of press time, the real McCoy has not been located.