William Cullen Bryant 6:15 p.m., June 29
Emperor Elagabobus announces plan to celebrate final week in office with nonstop orgy
"Provided everything is consensual, absolutely nothing will be off limits. City Hall will be debauched beyond recognition. Come one, come all, starting Monday at 8 a.m."
"On the last day of the month named for the great Emperor Augustus, at five hours past the sun's climax in the sky, I shall light my own funeral pyre and be burned alive," said Emperor Elagabobus, a man said to be the most decadent of all the Emperors ever to rule over San Diego. "The people have become a lynch mob, but I shall show them something that their sad little imaginations could not even conceive. They shall not kill me. I shall kill myself. They shall not hang me from a tree. I shall send myself to heaven, rising with the flames even as they consume my mortal form."
In the meantime, Elagabobus plans a no-gropes-barred orgy, to be conducted at City Hall during regular business hours. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" he said.