Austin Mackin 11 a.m., March 7
Mayor Filner changes San Diego's title from "America's Finest City" to "Pleasantville" in response to New York Times article
"OMG, they noticed us!" gushes mayor. "It's so exciting!"
"If there's one thing I love to embrace at the end of a day spent developing cancer-killing nanobots," says Aldena Corp biotech engineer Victor Fulgenski, "it's two armsful of easy, breezy Southern California casualness. And I know the same goes for my buddy, Carlsbad strawberry picker Manuel Labor."
"Looking back on my days growing up in San Diego," says alleged Dark Knight shooter James Holmes, "I remember it as a bland, happy place with an exceptional amount of sunshine."
"Us, too," said the ghosts of high-ranking Al Qaeda member Anwar al-Awlaki and the two 9/11 hijackers who resided in nearby La Mesa. "Really, it was a kind of Pleasantville."
"But after all," argued the ghost of Heaven's Gate cult leader Marshall Applewhite, "there are worse things than Spanish tiles, palm trees, tropical blooms, year-round flip-flops, fresh fish tacos, and bonfires on the beach."
"You can say that again," said the ghost of BDSM murder victim Brittany Killgore.
"All I know is, there's a kind of safety and security that comes from living in a military town like Coronado," said alleged suicide victim Rebecca Zahau. "I guess that's why they call it the Paper of Record."
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- Filner on Fletcher: "There's no such thing as independent." — May 9, 2013
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