10:42 a.m., April 24
"Museum Parkour" fundraising event for Friends of Balboa Park goes horribly awry.
Flash Mob Seeking to Undo Damage Done by Flash Mob Does Even More Damage than the Original
Police Chief Bozo McTripp: "We'll get to the bottom of this, even if it means shutting down the Penny Saver for running ads for the event!"
THOUSANDS RALLY INSIDE MUSEUMS AFTER DONATING $10 APIECE TO PARK RESTORATION FUND IN WAKE OF DESTRUCTIVE WATER FIGHT.
ORNATE FACADES OF PRADO BUILDINGS DEEMED "AWESOME" FOR URBAN CLIMBING; POLICE RESCUE MAN CLINGING TO PENDULOUS BOSOM OF LADY-STATUE BELOW EAVES OF CASA DE BALBOA.
WITNESS: "AT SOME POINT, SOMEONE DID A CROWD DIVE OFF THE ALLOSAURUS, AND THINGS JUST ESCALATED."
PARK STAFF: BOTANICAL BUILDING "LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOOK A WEED WACKER TO IT."
SHARK HANGING FROM NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM CEILING PROVES UNRELIABLE AS TRAPEZE.
FABRIC WALLS OF TIMKEN "CAN PROBABLY BE REPLACED," SAY FUNDRAISING ORGANIZERS.
"Oh, my god, those were museums?" sobbed one young fundraiser. "I had no idea that San Diego had, like, museums and shit. I thought it was like some kind of hotel lobby thing. I am so, so sorry."
Mayoral Candidates: "This is the sort of thing you can expect if my opponent is elected."