Dave Rice 8:30 a.m., March 4
Coach-Provocateur Turner and Philip Rivers perform ritual seppuku following Monday Night Football debacle
Chargers Head Coach and quarterback disembowel selves in hopes of atoning for atrocious play-calling and execution.
Statement: "We have dishonored our beloved Chargers and their fans in front of the entire nation, during prime time viewing hours. We die in the hopes that our blood will purge the shame of blowing a 24-point lead at halftime. Let our infamy die with us, and do not let it taint our team's post-season chances."
In addition, team management has announced that the entire Chargers cheerleading squad will be sacrificed to the elder gods Acee and Canepa, in hopes of appeasing their wrath. "We just hope there's a virgin in there somewhere," says Cheer Coach C. Jane Bounce.