Dave Good 4:30 a.m., April 26
An Inconsiderate Truth?
Former Vice-President Al Gore Forced to Distance Himself from Generous Rancho Santa Fe Donor-Girlfriend After SD on the QT Exposes her $10,000 Monthly Residential Water Bill
"Guess she offers different kind of green living."
GROWING KENTUCKY BLUEGRASS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CALIFORNIA DESERT, RANCHO SANTA FE - Oscar-Winning Nobel Laureate Internet-Inventing Environmentalist and Actual Winner of the 2000 Presidential Election Al Gore is scrambling to explain how he wound up with a girlfriend whose carbon footprint is, according to a longtime friend, "bigger than all of the Kardashians' asses put together."
SD on the QT has obtained documents that put longtime Democratic donor Elizabeth Keadle's monthly water bill at just over $10,000 a month, a fair portion of which goes toward maintaining the fine mist that is constantly pumped into the air surrounding her 10-acre Rancho Santa Fe estate.
The misting system, which is manufactured in North Korea, was designed to emit tiny droplets of liquid poison into the atmosphere over entire cities in the event of pro-democracy demonstrations. But Gore, a longtime friend of North Korean Director of Populace Management Kil-Um All, managed to secure a residential-scale prototype for his California sugar-mama.
"It's amazing," reports Gore's friend. "You can go walking the grounds in mid-August, middle of the day, in a wool suit, and come in feeling fresh as a daisy. It's that kind of innovative thinking that won Al the Nobel."
Gore, for his part, was rather more humble. "Ms. Keadle and I are longtime friends," he said in a prepared statement. "Her support of both the Democratic party and my efforts to develop a freeze ray that will reverse the effects of glacier-melt brought on by global warming has been invaluable. But you have my word as a politician that I would never sleep in a house that was not equipped with low-flow toilets. Draw your own conclusions."
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- Rancho Blood — Nov. 29, 1984