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Vicente Fox Addresses Coronado Middle School Students, Says "Responsible Consumption" Is Only Solution to International Drug Violence

Lunchable-Style Packages Would Contain Individual Pouches of Pot, Meth, Coke, and Heroin, Diluted to Make Them "Suitable for Juvenile Consumption."

"Drug use is a fait accompli, whether among the desperate poor or the disaffected rich. It remains only to regulate production and teach responsible consumption. You, the leaders of tomorrow, must show the way."

CORONADO, TOWN OF PLENTY - Mexican Ex-President Vicente Fox spoke to students and faculty of Coronado Middle School tomorrow, much to the delight of this aristocratic enclave. And despite his audience's relative youth, the well-known advocate for drug legalization stayed surprisingly on-message, even going so far as to hawk his latest business venture: multi-pouch drug packs that can be placed in children's lunch bags.

"When I was a young man growing up in Mexico," recalled Fox, "my father would often give me a small glass of wine mixed with water at dinner. Never enough to get me drunk, just enough to introduce me to the civilized enjoyment of alcoholic beverages. Fox-brand Narco-Paks work the same way. They even come with disposable paraphenalia. And of course, the packs are made from a combination of recycled plastic and vegetable-based plastics."

Addressing concerns that middle-school students were too young to begin safe experimentation, Fox argued that "a man's good and bad habits begin in youth. You know this; it's why you already have chapters of the Gay-Straight Alliance in San Diego middle schools. If they are old enough to begin exploring questions of gender identification and sexual orientation, then surely they are old enough to begin exploring chemically enhanced experience."

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