Chad Deal 4 p.m., April 1
Branch of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services Moves to Block Local Anti-Obesity Pill
Local biotech firm Arena Pharmaceuticals had reason to celebrate recently when the FDA approved their appetite-suppressing anti-obesity drug Belviq for sale to husky Americans. But a new challenge to the drug has arisen, causing the company's stock to plummet over the past 24 hours.
"Belviq may have cleared the FDA, but all that means is that it's safe for individual human consumption," said Will Thinherd, Secretary for the Department of Health and Human Services' Division for the Arrest, Restraint, and Weeding-out of Inferior Natures (DARWIN). "It doesn't mean that it's good for humanity as a whole. Frankly, our species is doing more than enough already when it comes to undoing the good work of Natural Selection. We've taken our fortunate mutation - cognitive reason - and misused it horribly. Instead of simply storing up food for the winter and tracking the migratory patterns of prey, we've gone and built this nightmare called civilization. We invented religion - source of innumerable horrors - to address our fear of death. But apparently, it wasn't enough, and so we've set about destroying every ecosystem in the world in order to keep our particular species - even our particular selves - alive for as long as possible."
According to Thinherd, the result has been nothing less than an evolutionary disaster. "We're like a spoiled child, raising a big middle finger at the system just because we don't like our place in it. We consume resources far faster than they can be replaced. We multiply wantonly, which would be bad enough even if we were culling. But the fact is, we're not culling. Quite the opposite. We take steps at every turn to preserve those whom nature has clearly targeted for elimination: the old, the weak, and the infirm. And now, we're planning to manufacture a drug that will preserve the lives of the obese? Together with smokers, fatties were the one demographic we could count on to kick off early. It just doesn't make sense."
Thinherd promised that DARWIN would do everything in its power to stop the production of Belviq, starting with a series of government PSAs that rhyme "Belviq" with "pelvic" and suggest sexual complications resulting from use of the drug. When asked what sort of drug Arena should be producing instead, he replied, "I dunno. Maybe something that will turn everyone gay? That would at least slow down the rate of population growth. And maybe get a few more guys into the gym and living healthy."
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