Susan Luzzaro 9:45 p.m., June 18
Koch Brothers Raise $400 Million At El Cajon Family Restaurant
Conservative Billionaires Stop By For Ham Steak and A Nice Chat at Tyler's Taste of Texas, Raise Record Sum from Everyday Hardworking Americans Before the Check Comes
"Secret location? It's only a secret from the La Jolla Limousine Liberals!"
THE HAM STEAK REALLY IS SOMETHING SPECIAL, EL CAJON - Much has been made of the Koch brothers' so-called secret fundraising meeting in San Diego this weekend. The oil tycoons, based out of Kansas but with fingers in the pies of every swing-state government in the Union, were supposed to be planning a swanky get-together at an ultra-exclusive location known only to Carl DeMaio and other Republican fat cats. The sort of place still staffed by proper servants in white gloves who light your cigar with a flaming $100 bill while pouring 60-year-old Scotch over your foie gras ice cream.
"But now," says Charles Koch, "it doesn't look like we'll have to bother. We reached out fundraising goal before we ever reached our intended rendezvous point. We had decided to drive into town in our matching Bugatti Veyrons - do a little desert drag-racing, you know? But just as we were passing through this godforsaken hole on the eastern edge of the greater San Diego metropolitan area, my brother David called to say that he was hungry for ham steak, of all things. I asked Suzi - that's the special, artificial intelligence version of Apple's Siri that's available only to people with a net worth over $4 billion - to help out, and next thing you know, we're sitting there at Tyler's."
And the next thing the brothers knew after that, they were being deluged with contributions from grateful, red-blooded, God-fearing Americans who were sick and tired of seeing the country they loved so much flushed down the toilet by a liberal elite seeking to destroy the United States from within by eroding our cherished freedoms and hallowed institutions in order to further their personal, atheistic agendas. "People were writing us checks," says Charles. "They were handing us cash. They were calling their friends and relatives and getting them to contribute online. It was amazing."
The Kochs sat and talked with the filthy, haggard locals about their sagging hopes and shattered dreams for what seemed like an eternity (about 15 minutes) after finishing their ham steak with eggs and biscuits and gravy. Then they left in a cloud of exhaust and gravel dust, but not before laying down a $200 tip on a $50 bill. "Just doing our part to bolster the economy," said David with a grin as he walked out the door.