Don Bauder 7:49 p.m., May 22
"Leave No (Flaming) Stone Unturned."
San Onofre Nuclear Plant Owners Welcome Investigation into U.S. Marine Corps Over 'Hot Rocks/Hot Pockets' Incident
"Someone must take responsibility here. Someone besides us."
"See? The State Beach is MILES away. Totally not our problem."
NERVOUSLY EMPTYING PANTS POCKETS, SAN ONOFRE - Last month, a woman suffered second- and third-degree burns when rocks collected by her children at San Onofre State Beach ignited inside the pockets of her shorts. This week, the United States Marine Corps announced an investigation into the incident, owing to the fact that the beach is owned by the Marines.
"It's our beach, and if it's our mess, we will clean it up," said Marine Corps spokesman Brad Nails at a press conference yesterday. "I know there's been talk about the rocks being coated with phosphorous, and I promise that we will look into that. But it's much too early to make any kind of definitive statement."
"Hear, hear," said San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station spokeswoman Mia Culpa upon hearing the news. "As good neighbors, we here at SONGS applaud both the military's willingness to take responsibility and its caution in attributing the incident to radioactive waste. That kind of baseless speculation just riles up the masses."
Culpa then burst into flames and ran screaming from the room.