5 a.m., April 16
Big Bang Theory
San Diego Unleashes "All At Once" Fireworks Display to Honor Discovery of Higgs Boson "God Particle"
Strong Mayor Sanders: "July 4 is all about freedom, and the Higgs boson gave us all the freedom to be!"
ON LOCATION WITHIN A UNIVERSE POSSESSING MASS - Yesterday, physicists working at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland announced the discovery of a particle they are more than 99 percent sure is the Higgs boson, the particle responsible for other particles' acquisition of mass. "It really is the key to understanding how the universe as we know it began," marvels San Diego City Spokesman Matt Urmacher. "So we figured, why not celebrate the Big Bang with a big bang of our own?" Urmacher then worked quickly with other City officials to orchestrate the simultaneous release of "every last firecracker" on San Diego's three "boom barges."
The result? "An intense, brief display of expansive force, accompanied by an almost overwhelming visual spectacle. 'Let there be light,' indeed."
Responding to criticism from some citizens who preferred to see their fireworks develop slowly over time, with observable and discreet stages of advancement, Urmacher replied, "There will always be those who are eager to strip the wonder and majesty from great moments like this one. They just can't bring themselves to believe in the awesome mysteries of science."