3 p.m., April 29
Local Scientists Nearly Publish Study Linking Boner Pills with Increased Cancer Risk and Early Mortality
"Fortunately, we were able to pin the trouble on sleeping pills. I mean, people can live without sleep."
SIGHING WITH RELIEF, LA JOLLA SCRIPPS CLINIC - "For a minute there, I was questioning my whole life's purpose," says Scripps Researcher Lorenzo DiVinetti. "I mean, we've been tracking this group of men aged 45-65 for two years, and initially, it really looked like our research was pointing to Viagra as a cause of premature death. Did I really want to publish that kind of information? Did I want to be the man who killed America's erection? No, I did not. But if I didn't, what kind of scientist would I be?"
Lorenzo pauses and shudders at the memory. "Thank God for Siemens, who spotted the sleeping pill thing. It turns out, every single one of our early-mortality cases was also taking sleep aids along with their Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, or what have you. All we had to do was find one survivor who was not taking sleeping pills and who was taking pills to treat erectile dysfunction, and we were in the clear. Needless to say, we found our man - me. Unorthodox, I know, but sometimes, a scientist needs to put himself under the microscope for the good of mankind."
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