Ed Bedford 11:44 p.m., June 19
Spokesman for Seuss, Inc. outlines plans for upcoming projects
Beloved author's works to be used in branding numerous new products and services
"It can't all be Lorax-brand mustache wax and $200 Barbies dressed in haute couture modeled after The Cat in the Hat."
LA JOLLA, CA - Audrey Weasel, spokeswoman for Seuss Products, Incorporated's Newly Generated Revenue through Added-Value Enterprises (SPINGRAVE) Division, today held a press conference announcing a bold new lineup of products and services for 2013. Weasel began by addressing those present, saying "We're glad that you came/ we're glad you stopped by/ to see the Seuss name/ slapped on stuff you can buy," before unveiling the good Doctor's new line of "Pharmaseussicals" and other items "inspired by" the author's classic books. A few of the highlights, along with Weasel's comments on each:
"In these troubled times, humanity can't afford to be overly picky about its eating habits. World food supplies are dropping to crisis levels. But with Dr. Seuss's Genetically Modified Foodstuffs, we can produce enormous quantities of nutritional products that mimic the shape and taste - if not necessarily the color - of traditional food. You will like them if you try, you will eat them or you'll die!"
"There is no question that America's rapidly aging population is about to trigger a massive economic crisis. The Baby Boom generation is beginning to retire, and there just isn't going to be enough money to support their constant demands for better meds to help them forget what a drag it is getting old. The good Doctor's prescription is clear from the cover illustration and subtitle (see below): euthanasia, optional or otherwise. Dr. Seuss's 'Oh Don't You Know It's Time to Go?' Senior Centers will help make the transition easier on everybody."
"At the other end of the age spectrum, there is the awful problem of overbreeding. We have far too many Daves in the world - we had too many when Dr. Seuss was still alive, and now the problem is much, much worse. Colorful, easy-to-use Seuss-brand prophylactics will help children understand the necessity of contraception before they're old enough to start making procreative mistakes."
"On the other hand, we cannot ignore the very real desire that some people have for a responsible number of offspring - say, one. Even though the Doctor never had any use for children himself, he understood their intrinsic value. Alas, some people are unable to produce them. For those people, we are proud to offer Horton's Egg Hatchery, a full-service clinic providing IVF and surrogacy services to qualified applicants."
"However, we don't mean to give the impression that we are interested only in Major Medical Issues. Dr. Seuss always highlighted the small pleasures of life - fishing in a tiny, polluted puddle, or running around on stilts, or even just getting a good night's sleep. Dr. Seuss's Seconal Sleep Supplements will have you Snoozily Snoring in Seconds!"
"But sometimes, no amount of sleep or silliness is enough to obscure the awful suffering and horror at the very heart of existence; Seuss's nightmarish travelogue I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew serves as a fine illustration of that. Which is why we offer our patented Solla Sollew Suicide Kits - once you 'get there,' all your troubles will be over."
"But all these efforts to cure societal ills should not obscure the fact that Dr. Seuss was just as interested in fun as he was in ending the arms race through The Butter Battle Book. And that's why we've contracted with the Yippie-Kai-Yay band of Native Americans to open the How Lucky You Are casino on the tribe's newly established reservation in the heart of Rancho Santa Fe. You'll have a wonderful time there - you can bet on it!"
"And finally, we should never forget the real glory of Dr. Seuss's legacy: the stories he left us, and the lucrative movie adaptations that can be made from those stories. Which is why we are proud to announce that we are partnering with Vivid Video to produce a hardcore adaptation of his early masterwork, The Seven Lady Godivas. I'm not going to say any more about that one; just let your imagination wander, the way Dr. Seuss always wanted it to."