Don Bauder 7:49 p.m., May 22
Southwest High School announces new athletic mascot.
Heads up, South Bay: the Dirty Bastards are coming!
ODB may no longer be in the house, but he is very much on the field in San Diego's Sweetwater School District.
School spirit: Southwest High senior Brandon Gleb models a shirt emblazoned with the school's new logo.
MAKING SURE TO WEAR THICK RUBBER BOOTS WHILE STANDING ON THE SOUTHWEST HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - Sweetwater School District Interim Superintendent Ed Brand dazzled reporters today with a breakaway dash immediately prior to a scheduled Q&A regarding the massive pile of toxic dirt he inherited from the previous administration, a pile that, as of this writing, still lines one side of the field. After a brief address, Brand sprinted for the end zone and out to a waiting district-owned vehicle at speeds one sportswriter compared to a "4.4 40. Pretty spry for an old guy," quipped the scribe. "It's a pity Southwest's football team can't bottle whatever it is that gives him that kind of speed. Then again, given what's probably seeping through the dirt on this field, maybe they can."
Following Brand's bolt, however, Southwest's Interim Whipping Boy Dan Murdock approached the podium and made an announcement. "In honor of both the 10,000 tons of toxic dirt that rendered our athletic fields unusable for an entire year and the scumbag administration officials behind the dumping of that dirt," said Murdock, "Southwest High School's athletic teams will henceforth be known as The Dirty Bastards, and will adopt as their mascot the late rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard."
Murdock mentioned that a proposal had been made to designate the school's female athletic teams as the Filthy Bitches. However, he said, "while the proposal did offer a female-oriented variation on the Dirty Bastard theme, it was felt that the term's connotation might ultimately be damaging to self-esteem the young ladies who strive for athletic excellence on the poisonous turf here at Southwest. Plus, there was the issue of finding a suitable mascot."
When several members of the press offered to make suggestions along those lines, Murdock stressed that former principal Maria Armstrong had only allegedly authorized the dirt-dump, and said that no further questions would be taken.