Charlie Morgenstern 11 a.m., June 25
EXCLUSIVE: God Preparing to Destroy San Diego Because of Locally Based Effort to Outlaw Male Circumcision
Almighty, Ever-Living God Enraged At Humanity's Effort to Criminalize the Outward Sign of Membership in the Chosen People, Plans Massive Earthquake as Reminder of His Supremacy
"I mean, I know the Old Covenant has passed away, but still... You smell that burning, San Diego? That's brimstone. Brace yourselves."
HEADED EAST AT HIGH SPEED ALONG INTERSTATE 8 - It turns out that GlobalRumblings.com had it right when it attributed the "strong, chemical-like odor" being reported all over San Diego County as a harbinger of a major seismic event. But what the website didn't know — what no one knew until SD on the QT secured this exclusive interview with Yahweh (also known as God) — was the reason behind the imminent, catastrophic earthquake.
"Look, it's not complicated," said God. "I laid it out right there in Genesis: 'This is My covenant which you shall keep, between Me and you and thy descendants after thee, every male among you shall be circumcised. And ye shall be circumcised on the flesh of your foreskin, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between Me and you. And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every male throughout your generations...And an uncircumcised male whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people.'"
God paused, as if for effect. "And I have to tell you, it doesn't go well when you're cut off from the chosen people. Ever read Numbers? The Levite Korah and his bunch dishonored me, 'and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them, with their households and all Korah’s men and all their possessions.' So it's not really like you couldn't see this coming."
This reporter decided to paraphrase Abraham, who had more success than most in conversation with God. "Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, will you destroy the whole city because of one lobbying organization? Matthew Hess of MGMBill.org — which has submitted legislation to Congress and 14 State Legislatures that would outlaw male circumcision — hates your commands, it is true. But what of all the righteous people in San Diego? Those who have dutifully cut off the foreskin of their sons? Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked?"
"First of all," replied God, "spare me this talk about 'the righteous.' Romans 3:10: 'There is none righteous, no, not one.' Second, why do you think I'm giving this interview? Back in the day, people weren't quite so mobile. So you had to let the wheat grow alongside the tares, if you know what I mean. But these days, the average American family moves what, every six years? So I'm giving everyone in San Diego a heads up. Let him who has ears to hear, hear."