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Various Authors 11:01 a.m., April 23
Candidate Crane Hopes to Convert "President Obummer," Prevent Federal Crackdown on Medical Marijuana
Magician and retired teacher claims, "It's no trick - I just want to educate the man."
AT LEAST 1000 FEET FROM THE NEAREST SCHOOL - When the word came down that the Obama Administration's Justice Department was gearing up for an all-out assault on California's medical marijuana industry, mayoral hopeful Loch David Crane decided to stop fretting about the government's surly employees (City Attorney Jan Goldsmith), and instead ask to speak to the manager - President Obama himself.
"Look," said Crane as he exhaled a huge cloud of pungent potsmoke, "I'm a medical marijuana user myself. I know the benefits firsthand, and I have a feeling that if the President knew the benefits firsthand, he might have a change of heart. He can't do that here in the United States, of course, which is why I've invited him to the Bed & Breakfast at the Vancouver Seed Bank. It's neutral territory - sort of like inviting the Israelis and Egyptians to Camp David. Oops - guess I'm dating myself there."
Crane was quick to acknowledge the political difficulties involved. "I know, I know - the President can't even admit that he supports gay marriage, not this close to an election. So there isn't much chance that he'll come go pro-pot in the near future. But after a few rounds of Atomic Haze therapy, he might be willing to call off the dogs, you know?"
Reached for comment, the President's Press Secretary Jay Carney reiterated that "the ban on marijuana, medical or otherwise, is the law of the land." When reminded that it was not the law of Canada's land, Carney told this reporter not to harsh his mellow and hung up.