Ed Bedford 12:18 p.m., May 22
City Council Passes Ruling Mandating That San Diego Transplants Who Claim to "Miss the Seasons" Be Forced to Paint Local Fall Foliage in 40-Degree Weather While Wearing Only a Bathing Suit
"Still miss those seasons, Grandpa?"
PUTTING ON A SWEATER, OAK PARK - "It was the recent cold snap that gave me the idea," says City Councilman Tony Young of Council Resolution #315, which is aimed at curtailing whiny complaints about the region's alleged lack of seasonal variation. "I had to go outside to get some possums out of my trash around 3 a.m last Saturday morning., and all I could think was, 'Damn, it's cold.' The next day, I was raking sycamore leaves out of my front yard, and I realized that this is the same weather-related nonsense that people have to deal with in Vermont. You know, the stuff that gets sentimentalized when those same Vermonters eventually move to our city and start complaining about being warm all the time. So I decided to give them something to complain about, and the rest of the Council wholeheartedly supported my efforts."