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Stories by Ollie

Two Songs

Single: Don’t Wake the Sun (2008) Artist: Writer Label: self-released Where available/price: At live shows, Lou’s Records (Encinitas), Off the Record (North Park), M Theory (Mission Hills), and Spin Records (Carlsbad) for $5. Online at ...

The Underpants Tablecloth-Caped Avenger

Hold on to your butts, kids! Here comes another installment of...The Underpants Tablecloth-Caped Avenger! Disguised as my nebbish alter ego, Johan Awesome, I patrolled an enclave of Kensington. Ol’ Black Betty, the Six-Speed Bicycle of ...

Second Skin

Name: Frank Age: 35 Lives In: Mission Beach Surfing: Mission Beach Pre-Surf Music: Band of Horses Post-Surf Food: Anything healthy Frank had a nasty collision one evening at La Jolla Shores. “As I was starting ...

An Open Letter to American Babies

An Open Letter to All American Babies:You were born in the United States. You are a human being, so therefore you have the right to walk around; you have the right to move around without ...

Odd Tan Lines

Name: A.J. Bhowmik Age: 28 Lives In: Pacific Beach Surfing: O.B. Pier Pre-Surf Pump Up Music: Jazz Favorite Post Surf Food: Burritos A.J. Bhowmik and his friends take credit for inventing “Surf Wars,” which began ...

Not Forgotten

Album: Supreme Macaroni Co. Ltd. (2008) Artist: Aaron Bowen Label: self-released Where available/price: iTunes, Rhapsody, Napster, or aaronbowenmusic.com for $9.99. Songs: 1) When the Fall of Rome 2) Song #2 3) Strawberry Wine 4) Jeanne ...

Smooth Devo

Album: Hoping It Stays Just This Broken (2007) Artist: Immovable Objects Label: self-released Where available/price: M-Theory Records in Mission Hills for $10.99. Online at Amazon, iTunes, CDBaby, Digstation, Rhapsody, Napster, Ruckus, BuyMusic, Inprodicon, MusicIsHere, PayPlay, ...

Where the Hell's My Hot Sauce?

The question was, Where the hell is my hot sauce? As with so many little mysteries in my life, the answer is, I’m retarded. Situated neatly on my coffee table was a tray of grocery-store ...

Bumped, Bitten, and Sliced

Name: Eric Ward Age: 27 Surfing: Tourmaline Lives In: Lakeside Pre-Surf Music: The Jackson 5 Post-Surf Food: Pancakes and beer “I always used to think surfing looked really stupid,” says Eric. “I made fun of ...

Hair Lip

— May 1, 2000 Not only was I late for work, but my car’s booster engine fouled up. It didn’t explode or anything, it streamed a thin trail of smoke and rattled. So the automatic ...

A Natural Extension of Skating

“I was surfing north of Scripps Pier, and I saw two little girls pretty far out,” says Jeff, a San Diego native. “They were probably seven or eight. I realized that they had been sucked ...

Mother Mae I

Nu metal soothes the savage teenage ego. Perfected by the awful Linkin Park, nu metal themes revolve around awkwardness and insecurity, which manifest themselves in lyrics as martyrdom, separation from society, loyalty to others labeled ...

Bravo, Oaks!

Picking through Oaks’ photos on the Web, I don’t see any molester mustaches, long hair, or dirty denim vests over leather jackets. But those things wouldn’t be out of place. Despite their earthy name and ...

Quick, Who's My Favorite Ninja Turtle?

Bleakness rent my spirit. For days I pinched the bridge of my nose and squinted. I pushed at the inside corner of my eyes until they bulged and I was nearly blind. Indecision can be ...

Don't Get Sucked Under

“I’ve been around boards my entire life. Surfboards, skateboards, snowboards...it’s what I really love,” says California newcomer Adam as he takes a break from a slow day surfing in Mission Beach. “I’ve been surfing for ...

The Statistics Issue

Crowded on the shelf and partially hidden by other books, the bright yellow spine of the stupidest book ever glared out to me, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Professional Wrestling. I pushed the Grishams and ...

Sick Sharks

Name: James Teak Surfing: Crystal Pier Age: 22 Occupation: Machinist Lives In: Point Loma Pre-Surf Music: Pennywise Post-Surf Food: Taco Surf or Jamba Juice “I started surfing when I was in third grade. My dad ...

Secret Samurai

Album: Gun Sho Gun (2008) Artist: Secret Samurai Label: self-released Where available/price: CDBaby.com for $12.97 and Double Crown Records (dblcrown.com) for $14.75 Songs: 1) Don’t Fear the Reverb 2) Shoegazer 3) Bereft of Enemies 4) ...

Modern Day Moonshine

Album: Same Old Fight (2007) Artist: Modern Day Moonshine Label: self-released Where available/price: At live shows for $8, or order it online from myspace.com/moderndaymoonshine for $8. Songs: 1) Intro 2) Such a Shame 3) Unite ...

Almost a Boy Scout

For a long time, the only development project in my neighborhood belonged to a swarm of wasps building a papery hive in the corner of an abandoned storefront. They were the only things fighting entropy ...

Night Rider

Name: Jeff Marr Occupation: Lab technician Age: 38 Lives in: Ocean Beach Night-surfing: Dog Beach Pre-surf music: Marvin Gaye Post-surf food: Fish tacos “It’s so peaceful and beautiful at night, I can literally walk out ...

Maybe SD's Best

Album: Say What You Wanted to Say (2007) Artist: The Frantic Romantic Label: Self-released Where available/price: Music Trader in Pacific Beach or at live shows for $5. Online at franticromanticband.com and myspace.com/thefranticromantic for $7 ($5 ...

America's Sweatiest Fatties

This is true. I know my reputation for oddball fiction and addled fantasy damages my credibility, but I swear, this is true. A spider and I encountered each other in an unpleasant way. Last week, ...

How Quickly It Can Be Taken Away

Name: Aaron Age: 21 Surfing: P.B. Drive Post-Surf Food: Organic “My grandfather was a pro in the ’60s and ’70s. He really inspired me to start competing when I was 14. I’d been surfing since ...

More Plastic Than Metal

Album: Here’s to Curiosity (2007) Artist: Invictus Label: Self-released Where available/price: iTunes for $5 and interpunk.com for $6. Songs: 1) Lost in Sounds 2) It’s a Leopluradon 3) The Ground Is Not Your Friend 4) ...

Queen of the Southern Mines

My dad still lives in our hometown of Sonora. Folks call the area different things, depending on what they want to sell you. It’s “God’s Country” if the license-plate frames on the new cars at ...

Scram!

Name: Desiree Age: 19 Lives in: Mira Mesa Surfing: Torrey Pines Occupation: Graphic designer Pre-surf music: the Pixies Post-surf food: Slurpees “The first time I ever surfed was in 2005,” says Desiree, a 19-year-old Texas ...

Stand-Up Guy

Name: Mark Lives in: Ocean Beach Surfing: Ocean Beach Age: 50 After-Surf Food: Bean and cheese burrito Favorite Surf Spot: Mexico “I started surfing when I heard the message from the Beach Boys when I ...

How the Nightly News Should Be

How the Nightly News Should Be: Today, billions of people survived. Of our species, less than one percent was killed, raped, or burglarized. So, don’t freak out and worry about a bunch of terrifying stuff ...

Approachable Indie

Album: Wasn’t Tomorrow Horrible (2007) Artist: Roxy Jones Label: H.O.I. Where available/price: Off the Record in North Park, M-Theory in Mission Hills, or Thirsty Moon in Hillcrest for $7. Songs: 1) Hola Papi! 2) GM ...

Team Taco Bell

Name: Zane Johnston Surfing: Crystal Pier, Pacific Beach Lives: 32nd St. Naval Base Pre-Surf Music: Country Post-Surf Food: Taco Bell “Back in Texas there aren’t a whole lot of places to surf where you’ll catch ...

Gleaming Rehash

Album: Liberation of Dissonance (2007) Artist: Canobliss Label: self-released Where available/price: canobliss.com, CDBaby.com for $8; iTunes and Napster.com for $9.90 Songs: 1) Riot 2) Insurrection 3) Sinister Minister 4) Liberation of Dissonance 5) Hello 6) ...

Gangland Ollie

I live above a liquor store in City Heights. The store’s sign stands out in the neighborhood, as it’s the only one in English. Across the street is a Vietnamese donut shop and a tortilleria. ...

The Ass Beating List

There’s that old sentiment that the world would be monumentally better off if a list of people received a hefty ass beating. You know what I mean. Everyone has their own list. Your list might ...

How We've Started to Suck

In Esztergom, Hungary, I saw for the first time in my life a dioramic representation of how human beings have managed to overthrow nature and evolution and how we’ve started to suck. Inside Esztergom Castle ...

Eaten Up Pretty Good

Name: Dakota Lives: Ocean Beach Surfing: Dog Beach Despite the ripping winds and freezing water, 30-year-old Dakota is out at Dog Beach looking for surf. The cold isn’t new to him; he recently moved back ...

Open Letter

Album: The Neighbors Are Listening (2007) Artist: Alex Esther Label: self-released Where available/price: iTunes for $9.99 and CDBaby for $10. Songs: 1) Grey 2) State I’m In 3) Love Me Like You Do 4) Far ...

Bittersweet Dreams

Album: 40 oz. Dreams on a Champagne Budget (2007) Artist: Hesh One Label: self-released Where available/price: Available as a download from heshone.com Songs: 1) Put ’em Up 2) L.A. Narcocorrido 3) Bleed, Spit & Shit ...

Nemesis Ad

My Personal Ad on an Internet Dating Site: This isn’t for dating. I’m not making this profile to get dates. This profile is to audition for a nemesis or nemesises (nemesi?). As it stands, I ...

Good for Car Rotation

Artist: The Frantic Romantic Song: “Why Do We Punish the Ones We Love” (from the CD Say What You Wanted to Say) Heard By: Harrod Suarez, North Park I thought it was good. I thought ...

Some Brazilian Dude

Name: Antonio Azambuja Lives: Bahia, Brazil Surfing: Thomas Street, Pacific Beach For ten years, Antonio Azambuja has traveled from Brazil to San Diego each winter to surf. “I like the people of San Diego very ...

Ollie's Big Bike Ride

Furious ball of sweat, elbows, and arse

There’s no outfit so fantastically ridiculous as the too-tight, brazenly colored, and obnoxiously patterned ensemble for riding a long distance on a bicycle. It’s too much. Ostensibly the outfits are colored and patterned wildly to ...

Interview with a Billboard

I Interview the Billboard Down the Street Me: Hey, how’s it going? Billboard: Not bad. It’s been rainy, but I usually get good sun, just sort of standing here. Me: Yeah, that’s not bad. You ...

Paid to Surf

“I needed a job that would pay me to travel and surf,” Chuck Bragg says about his decision to join the Navy. He’s surfed Hawaii, Baja, the east and west coasts of Australia…but as a ...

Pollution Naysayer

Name: Mark Thompson Lives: Ocean Beach Surfing: South of the pier in Imperial Beach “It’s a known fact that I.B. has some of the dirtiest water, but I mean, I don’t hear of people getting ...

Lost

All anybody really wants is to be naked. Well, there are other things that one might want, but “nude” sits — on a towel, one hopes — proudly at the top of the list. Watch ...

Retrolust

Album: Wired (2007) Artist: Retrolust Label: Nethertune Records Where available/price: CDBaby.com for $11.50 or iTunes for 99 cents per song Songs: 1) In My Head 2) Superstarrr 3) RX 4) In Vein 5) Faith for ...

Get Wiggy with This

Album: A Lighthouse for the Sun (2007) Artist: Solarminds Label: Mind Altering Records Where available/price: Lou’s Records in Encinitas ($10.99), Cow Records in Ocean Beach ($8.98), Mojo Sounds/Thrift Trader ($8.99), Taang! Records ($9.99), M-Theory in ...

Kazoo Hero

They may not do it this way down here, but in my little town in the hills, kids slept outside when the weather was right. In the summer, it was cooler to sleep outside. I ...

Tourmaline

Name: Caroline Minkowski Home: Hillcrest Surfing: Tourmaline “It was about three years ago,” says Caroline. “There were Santa Ana winds, and while we were out there, there was this huge swarm of butterflies. I think ...

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