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Stories by Ollie

The Palin Analogies

Waiting for Sarah Palin’s appearance at the vice-presidential debates was like waiting for one of those predator crab things to latch onto my face and lay eggs in my mouth. Something horrible was on its ...

Crime Desire

Album: Crime Desire (2007) Artist: Crime Desire Label: self-released on Life’s a Rape Records Where available/price: Lou’s Records in Encinitas for $10; online at myspace.com/crimedesire for $10. Songs: 1) Untitled 2) Succubus 3) Nadir 4) ...

Too Rude

Name: Matt Fielder Age: 27 Lives In: Ocean Beach Occupation: Actor Pre-Surf Music: Tone Loc Girls in the Water?: “Yes, please!” Matt has been surfing since he was seven years old. He grew up in ...

The Creepy Factor

Good lord, I need to get out of this slum. While watching TV the other night, a knock came at my screen door. “Does José live here?” the man said, pointing down to indicate he ...

The Narcoleptic Dingo

As my superhero alter ego, Narcoleptic Dingo, I plan to attack Washington and Wall Street. Sure, sure, the trio of supervillains, Fedsy McMoneychanger, the Tax Reaper, and Bendover Herecomesthe-porkbarrelspending Monster will try to confuse me ...

Mike Pinto

Album: Mike Pinto (2007) Artist: Mike Pinto Label: self-released Songs: 1) Full Speed 2) Surf Tune 3) Addictions 4) Backburner 5) Get Me Down 6) Temptation 7) Bad Luck 8) Knocked Up 9) Never Hold ...

Moron Proves Theory of Natural Selection

Since one of my ex-girlfriend’s ideas of the most fun one could have was to sprinkle red wine about my bedroom floor, I decided I needed to rent a carpet cleaner and turn my burgundy ...

Clown on the Water

Name: Jack Turner Age: 23 Occupation: Personal Trainer Lives In: Jamul Surfing: Scripps Favorite Surf Movie: Point Break Jack blamed his “surf karma” for his inability to catch a wave a couple weeks ago. “So, ...

John's Jowls

Herpes simplex A through Q saw fit to land on my face and create a tiny ecosystem of interconnecting blisters and communities. I’m going to give it to John McCain. (I already gave it to ...

August's Most Downloaded

Below is an interview with Tiltwheel songwriter Davey “Tiltwheel” Quinn, who penned "I Spent My Spring Break in Vancouver and All I Got Was This Dumb Song" — SDReader.com’s most downloaded mp3 during the month ...

Girls Don't Bother Anyone

Name: Gretchen Kauffman Age: 25 Occupation: Technical designer for Reef Been Surfing: Five years Pre-Surf Music: Slightly Stoopid Gretchen, an O.B. resident, has just experienced her first bit of sexism on the beach. “This guy ...

Celebrity Gossip Edition

I busted my damn foot. I was in ninja school; we were practicing that throw-the-egg-full-of-explosive-powder-down-and-disappear thing when the new guy in the purple sweats disappeared in the wrong direction and stomped my foot. “WAAAAA!” I ...

Obama and Ollie

Obama picked me to be vice president! And I picked Kermit the Frog to serve as my vice vice president, along with undersecretary Michael Phelps. Our first order of business will be to stage Kermit’s ...

Wayne Riker

Album: Fretfull (2008) Artist: Wayne Riker Label: self-released Where available/price: Old Time Music Shop in North Park, Tecolote Guitar Works on Morena Boulevard, and online at CDBaby for $15 Songs: 1) The Betrayal 2) 8 ...

Solo Surfer

Name: Yiga Miyashiro Age: 25 Lives In: O.B. Occupation: Professional brewer Favorite Surf Movie: Endless Summer Favorite Local Surf Spot: Black’s Yiga, who has surfed since he was eight, braves the crowds for a Saturday-morning ...

Olympic Issues

Here I sit, hunched over my pad of yellow stickies and pile of inconsequential receipts, my crayon poised in shaking fingers, and I’m livid. I write this to you in Crayola “Brick” on the reverse ...

Donde esta el Wampeer?

Nobody's ever asked the question "What if a vampire and a zombie were trapped together in a sealed room?" Until now. You see, here at stately Underpants Manor we're gigglingly wealthy, curious, and a little ...

July's Most Downloaded

Amber Ojeda’s “Don’t Rush” was the most-downloaded MP3 during July. What’s your favorite moment in “Don’t Rush”? Amber Ojeda: The hook is my favorite part of the song. It reminds me to stay grounded and ...

Ollie Ewok

I look like the most reviled creature on Earth, and I’ll tell you what it is: an Ewok. If you don’t hate Ewoks, you’re not paying attention. And don’t give me that “you said ‘the ...

Teacher Brah

Name: Dusty Engel Age: 30 Occupation: High School Math Teacher Lives: La Mesa Surfing: Dog Beach Girls in the Water? “Wish there were more!” “On a big day, I get crushed by waves,” admits Dusty ...

The Holiday Edition

Here at Tablecloth Cape Studios we strive to stay ahead of the competition. While other news outlets blather on about sunscreen, we’re going to stuff stale bread up a turkey’s chute and call it the ...

Gayle Skidmore

Album: Cowley Road (2008) Artist: Gayle Skidmore Label: self-released Where available/price: At live shows for $10; online at iTunes for 99 cents per downloaded song. Songs: 1) Cheap Imitation 2) Just for Now 3) Still ...

Lauding Donna

Name: Dick Vegas Age: 44 (“...and a whole lot more.”) Occupation: Actor Lives In: Linda Vista Surfing: O.B. Jetty Pre-Surf Music: Led Zeppelin “I came out here 22 years ago, and a bunch of my ...

John Holmes Mysteries

The two most embarrassing elements of my existence are (1) I enjoy girl folk music, and (2) I occasionally wake up, still drunk from the night before, on the bedroom floors of complete strangers, reeking ...

Al-Qaeda built my coffeemaker

Its internal workings comprise several kludgy elements. Inside it are: the wiring of a movie time bomb that forces my coffeemaker to count down from ten seconds over the span of half an hour, a ...

June's Most Downloaded

“Paper Box,” by Gayle Skidmore, was the most-downloaded MP3 during June. Each month we will highlight the most popular tune by featuring an interview with the songwriter. What’s your favorite part of “Paper Box”? Gayle ...

Backlash on Localism

Name: Nathan Kruger Age: 26 Lives In: La Mesa Surfing: Scripps Pre-Surf Music: The Get Up Kids Girls in the Water? “Definite yay!” “I just have to say that I’m really tired of the ‘locals ...

Go Away, History!

“Que mas?” the girl said, swishing her black hair over her ear. "Que mas?" She turned from me, held her arms above her head, and rocked her hips. She pulled her hair up off her ...

Stop! Drop! And Roll!

All through elementary school, my classmates and I were treated to instructions, both live and on VHS tape, detailing what we should do if we caught on fire. That’s right, kids. Say it with me: ...

Nautical Disaster

Album: 7s (2008) Artist: Nautical Disaster Label: self-released Where available/price: Live shows for $8. M-Theory, Off the Record, and Lou’s Records for $8.99. Online at CDBaby for $10.97; iTunes and Amazon for $8.91 (or 99 ...

Dumpster Diving for Dinner

Freegan harvest

Half of a “nutrition bar” sat before me on the wobbly café table. I couldn’t eat the rest because it was oily yet granular but also couldn’t force myself to throw it out. I had ...

Goodbye, Ol' Girl

Like an elderly pet, my television shows signs of physical and mental decline. And not one of those throwaway pets like a county-fair goldfish; no, my TV is a loyal Weimaraner, so noble. Now she’s ...

Black's Ripper Goes Easy on Fledglings

Name: Erick Castaneda Age: 27 Lives In: North Park Surfing: Tourmaline Pre-Surf Music: The Adolescents Post-Surf Food: Breakfast burrito Erick “Carne” Castaneda says, “I used to be sponsored with P.B. Surf Shop when I was ...

Super Why?

The city is a procrustean bed for man’s wildness. His heart and eyes disfavor straight line and timidity. Children know this. Set a child down on grass, and he’ll strip his shirt off, pick a ...

Hotel St. George

Album: Yippee!!! (2008) Artist: Hotel St. George Label: self-released Where available/price: Taang! Records downtown, Thirsty Moon in Hillcrest, and M-Theory Records in Mission Hills for $8 Songs: 1) Old Lies Told Well 2) It’s the ...

Dance, Monkey Boy, Dance!

Kim Cattrall is a vampire. By night, Kim Cattrall feeds on Hooters girls innocently making out with each other in the parking lot. I haven’t looked up her Wikipedia entry to verify this fact, but ...

Arm the Angels

Album: Haunt This Town (2008) Artist: Arm the Angels Label: self-released Where available/price: CDBaby.com for $12. iTunes, Rhapsody, Amazon, MP3.com, and Napster for 99 cents per song. Songs: 1) Last Goodbye 2) Haunt This Town ...

Long Island, Australia, Fiji...S.D.

Name: Jamie Nelan Age: 23 Lives In: P.B. Surfing: P.B. Drive Pre-Surf Music: Muse Post-Surf Food: California burrito “I lived in Australia in my junior year of college,” says Jamie, “and when I was there ...

Chimp People

Some people look like chimpanzees, and that’s the truth of it. I’m not being mean or hurtful. You’ve seen that person who looks like a chimpanzee. And you’ve caught yourself thinking of that person in ...

Listen to Ruthey

Name: Ruthey Travis Age: 58 Lives In: Rancho Bernardo Surfing: Black’s Beach Pre-Surf Music: Sam Cooke Post-Surf Food: Scrambled eggs “I should have known better. It was a foolish mistake. I was just paddling out, ...

Comfortable Creeps

Album: Paycheck to Paycheck (2007) Artist: Comfortable Creeps Label: FTB Recordings Where available/price: All Music Trader record shops for $8. Online at accesshiphop.com for $7 or iTunes for 99 cents a song. Songs: 1) Kerri’s ...

12 Cent Takes It One Step Further

Album: For the Win (2007) Artist: 12 Cent Label: Olde Tyme Productions Where available/price: Interpunk.com for $8. Music Trader in Pacific Beach for $8. Songs: 1) FTW! 2) 1231 3) Meat Rent 4) Vital Organ ...

A Letter to My Neighbors

Dear Poor People Who Live Next Door to Me, I am dreadfully sorry to bother you, but could you be a little quieter, please. Propping up on your front porch 19 screaming babies, each with ...

Fights Are a Part of It

Name: Jason Sporer Age: 24 Lives: P.B. Surfing: O.B. Pre-Surf Music: Tool Post-Surf Food: Smoothie “Fights are definitely part of the surf culture. I’ve never been directly involved, but new surfers should stay out of ...

Seinfeld Meets Garfield

Conversation between Garfield and Seinfeld Seinfeld: Hey there, Garfield. Looks like you’re having a tough weekend. Didn’t know you liked the sauce so much. Garfield: You couldn’t put that together? I love lasagna, kicking a ...

Need Surf Police

Name: Blair Dribben Age: 26 Lives In: Pacific Beach Pre-Surf Music: Anything Post-Surf Food: Pizza Blair says, “Surfing has been with me my whole life; it controls where I live. I moved here from Hawaii ...

Young Mass Remembers

Album: Young Mass (2008) Artist: Young Mass Label: self-released Where available/price: Access Music in Pacific Beach for $8.95. Online at CDBaby for $7.99, Amazon for $8.99, and iTunes for $9.99 Songs: 1) Intro — Message ...

The Drunken Clowns of Vegas

If you’re a complete debauchery amateur, Vegas is racy. Other than that it’s about as provocative as birthday cake. Considering my 20s, gambling, booze, drugs, and women are a Monday-morning stretch and yawn. The one ...

Sheena Is a Waverider

Name: Sheena Casamassima Age: 20 Lives In: Mira Mesa Surfing: Law Street, Pacific Beach Pre-Surf Music: Jack Johnson Post-Surf Food: Any fast food “It was a gnarly day for me,” Sheena says of the most ...

Who Would Argue Against Love?

Album: Love Love Love (2007) Artist: Steven Ybarra Label: self-released Where available/price: iTunes for $9. Songs: 1) Love Love Love 2) All I Am 3) The Beauty of Your Love 4) Please Please 5) The ...