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Stories by Geoff Bouvier

On the Bus from Rosa's Cantina to Home Sweet Broadway and First

A motorcoach journey from the Lone Star State.

Why buses are better than planes, part one. Flying to El Paso, my plane (ironically, an Airbus) began emitting strange high-frequency blips and unexplainable static from various locations above the passengers' heads. After an air-mile ...

When Dinner Was 50 Cents

What we served.

Food's as old as we are. It's impossible to tell whether people have shaped foodstuffs more or food's done more to shape people. The Irish and potatoes, Mexicans and corn, Asians and rice, Norwegians and ...

Men's Summer Swimsuit Issue

Protect your thighs from board rash.

HEY, LADIES! Let's hear it for men! Give a shout out now to the body masculine! Here's to five o'clock shadows, Adam's apples, square jaws, and rough skin. To testosterone, to the Y chromosome, to ...

Something That Intoxicates or Exhilarates

Narrative sells wine.

It's all pretty unusual, when you really think about it. First off, you've got this exclusive fruit (the grape) that grows only in special regions. And then, the whole time that it grows, it’s fussed ...

The Secret Lives of News Anchors

On air they are like organized tornadoes.

Michael Tuck threads his bathroom tissue over the roll, “definitely over.” For Carol LeBeau’s last meal, she’d eat peanut butter and jelly on fluffy white bread. And Paul Bloom wouldn’t tell me how old he ...

The Natural Blonde Puts Lipstick On Her Forehead When She Wants to Make Up Her Mind

Life in towhead land.

I’m allowed to write this article only because I’m a 7. I don’t mean that I’m a 7 the way Bo Derek was supposedly a 10. I mean that I’m a 7 on the Natural ...

Service Personality

Waiters tell all.

Dinner at Tapenade Restaurant is a memorable experience. The cordial ambience, the feel of that which is unmistakably French, and service like a brilliantly engineered heist: the help comes and takes you from your worries, ...

Something Stinks In Bird Rock

Who said the words and the music were supposed to go together? Just when the sleepy situation of local business had begun to awaken in the Bird Rock area of La Jolla, the residents and ...

Party's Over

What is it that we have a civic duty to keep, that has its own justices and corps, that boasts its own individual hand sign, and that, finally, in the end, we are said to ...

B-Ball

Listen. I’m a basketball extremist. Maybe it’s the rhythmic, elastic whump (ring)s, whump (ring)s — thuds resounding echoing overtones — leading me into reverie every time, the odd expectant tempos, down the block, passing my ...

Best Bounces

There must be some discrepancy. Word on the street has it that bouncers come big and dumb, like unnecessary monsters set on ruining our nights out. "Bouncers only get those jobs because they're naturally violent ...

Mystery Bug Hits Bay Jocks

Having a dip in Mission Bay is less difficult than wrestling ocean swells with the mighty Pacific: the pacified Mission Bay waters boast warmer temperatures, smaller waves, shallower beaches, and fewer rocks; and there are ...

Dirty Water

Way back in English class they called it "situational irony." There in the tiny, tranquil breakers, almost waveless, pint-sized children frolicked. They scooped dark mud and tossed it, wrestled, and held each other's adolescent heads ...

Second Only To the Cowboy

In San Diego, airport cabbies rest at the top of the public-transportation heap. Their fares are more regular -- and generally larger -- than those of mere city cabbies. Plus, the airport more or less ...