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Stories by Barbarella Fokos

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Calm the F Down

Jane’s Evite said the show began at 6. My father, like me, is loath to feel rushed and is absolutely opposed to any and all kinds of tardiness. When I suggested we ride together, he ...

Squirrelik the Red

Dad thought I was kidding when I warned him that I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself if he lured that squirrel any closer. “David says I have a Snow White complex, but he doesn’t ...

A good man has died

"Did you hear about Graham?” I shook my head and smiled because I imagined some hilarious Graham-shenanigan story was forthcoming. My friend’s face was somber as she reported, “He’s in the hospital. He was in ...

Desert DINKs

David held a tight grip on his phone as he snapped photos out the window of our speeding Mini. “How can it be 95 degrees down here when there’s snow on top of that hill?” ...

Such a Bee

"You’re such a bee,” David said. “Why? What did I do?” “No, no, not that kind of bee! The bug kind,” David clarified, as if that made things any clearer. There were lots of ways ...

The Power Seat

Terri shimmied toward the car — shimmied, because there was no way she could get one whole leg in front of another. The only wiggle-room she had was from the shin down, where her long, ...

Menless

My sisters and I stared at the illustrations on the side of the box, and passed the deceptively light metal tank around as we each took our turn trying to make it work. “Careful, it ...

The Satirical Tourist

“I need to pee again,” I said to Arturo, the man behind the steering wheel. “Didn’t you just go?” “It’s not my fault you’re a camel,” I said, defensively. “And anyway, that was over two ...

Big sisters, little sisters

My sister and I clinked glasses filled with chilled wine (hers a straw-colored chardonnay, mine a blushing rosé) and then leaned back in our chairs with stoned smiles. My eyes wandered the expanse of Jane’s ...

Heavy silence

"Why do you think it’s always boys and never girls who go on these mass-shooting rampages?” I asked David, mostly rhetorically, because I already had my answer. “I think I know why; shooters are mostly ...

FaceTube Friend

"You want this?” David held up his buzzing phone so I could see the number displayed on the screen. After weighing the risk of answering an unknown number, I said, “Here, give it to me.” ...

Worth the wait

I doubted the man of the hour (or century, if you consider we were celebrating his 90th birthday) remembered me. I’d met David’s great-uncle, the Hungarian pianist Béla Síki, only once before, nearly a decade ...

What Men Think

David’s phone buzzed on the table. He picked it up and smiled down at the screen. “What’s that?” I asked. “Oh, it’s Kik,” David said. “What? When did you join Kik? I thought you said ...

Turtle Voice

With one step, the air changed from fresh morning cool to middle-of-the-rainforest hot. The atmosphere inside the Reptile House was so thick, I thought if I opened my mouth I’d have to chew in order ...

Cry Girls

Jane came rushing in like a gust of wind, disrupting the air in the room with her abrupt appearance. As usual, she managed to not miss any surface as she unloaded her many things — ...

Bedtime Proposals

"Whoa, what is that on your finger?” Shawn reached out to grab Jordan’s hand. “Did you guys get married? What is that, titanium?” Jordan smiled sheepishly and then removed his ring and handed it over ...

Canadian Nice

"Do you have Mexican food in Vancouver? Wait, that’s a stupid question — it’s a city, of course you do,” I said. “But it’s probably not as good as it is here...I mean, not because ...

Shameless

I couldn’t think of two people with more divergent worldviews than my father — a ribald Brooklyn boy turned retired naval officer who runs military war games abroad — and the proper young woman with ...

Under the Sea

I stood alone in the middle of a long aisle at Party City. I looked left. The only person in sight was the young clerk behind the register. Her face was turned away from me. ...

In the Lab

I squeezed the plastic dropper and watched the first tiny glob break away and plummet into the big bowl. The droplet was supposed to slip through the surface of the liquid and end up at ...

Minglewise

"So, what do you do at — ” I stole a glance at the name badge on the chest in front of me. “San Diego Story?” “I review music,” said Christian, the man behind the ...

No.

When I tell friends I don’t “do” Christmas in the traditional gift-exchange sense, the most common reaction is, “How do you get away with that?” They never ask why — they just want to know ...

Secret Agent

She’s got the goods

I’m into delayed gratification. For example, if someone gives me a cookie, I’ll rarely eat it right away; instead, I’ll save it for a time when I’ll get maximum enjoyment from eating it (such as ...

Ornament Brigade

My nephew Brian greeted us just inside the door to my mother’s house. On his head was a fuzzy Santa hat, and in his hands he held a black plastic camera. “Say, ‘Cheese,’” he said ...

Le Pew

David’s parents seemed surprised when, upon entering their house, David remarked, “So, Riley got skunked again, huh?” “How did you know zat?” Ency asked. “What do you mean, how did — I can smell it,” ...

In Your Facebook

David and I braced ourselves for the nippy, nighttime New England air as we stepped off the ferry and onto the ramp, headed toward the luggage cart. It was 10:30 p.m. on Martha’s Vineyard, more ...

Barb, MD

A squawky, unintelligible, robot voice emanated from my phone — my latest ring tone. When I answered, my sister Heather said, “Well, I guess you need to let me know what night is good for ...

Guilt Bot

I don’t usually listen to voicemail left by robots, but this one was from my health-insurance company, so I stayed on the line long enough to jot down the 800 number I was instructed to ...

Back to School

You’d think I’d remember the layout better,” I said to the top of David’s smoothly shaven head, which was hovering over a small map of San Diego State University’s campus. “Then again, I was only ...

Crazy Tree

Will you map the distance from Mia and Kerry’s place to the theater?” I called to David from the bathroom, where I was busy patting my head with wet hands to de-frizz my hair. “Why?,” ...

Sweet People

Barbarella seeks tact and barbecue in Dallas.

If I were asked to describe myself using ten adjectives, “tact” would not be among them. So it was that, upon being introduced to a young man at the opening reception for David’s latest photographic ...

Shark Tank

Every so often I find myself confronted by a seemingly innocuous phrase that rubs me the wrong way. This week, the offending line is “Don’t let it get to you,” a sentiment that simultaneously comforts ...

Restaurants for Hardworking Foodie Freelancers

A roundup of eateries that are open when you, the hardworking foodie freelancer, need them to be.

Better Than Diamonds

I pulled my bare feet onto the bed and smiled awkwardly at the stranger in the room. David and I watched as the man excavated a shard of glass from behind a sofa cushion. He ...

Observation Hour

I thought it would take more than the promise of seeing a few dogs to incentivize making a trip to El Cajon in the middle of a heat wave. The temperature climbs one degree for ...

Mandelbrot Set

I grimaced at the tiny slip of paper in my hand. “I think this one’s written in German,” I groaned. “How am I supposed to give clues or act it out if I don’t even ...

What Didn't You Do?

When my eyes flutter open each morning I am never aware of what the theme for the day will be. I’m not talking about one story, like the same headline posted by 20 different Facebook ...

Side of Judgment

"Isn’t it nice here?” “It’s beautiful,” I said to my friend Jen. I made a sweeping glance of the restaurant’s patio, taking in the coral bougainvillea blossoms, the green leaves cascading from the trellis, and ...

Flakes Turn to Dust

When I pulled up at Mike’s studio and his car was nowhere in sight, my gut clenched with comprehension. I knew even as I was texting “Where are you?” that Mike was a no-show. My ...

Benevolent Dictator

My fist shot straight out from my side, crossing in front of David’s chest, and released an index finger, aimed at the driver of the car to my right. It held the pose for half ...

Hive-Minded

I spend a lot of time online. Okay, more than a lot. The point is, I get around the interwebz. Though I’ve long considered “web surfing” my primary hobby, it wasn’t until I discovered Reddit ...

The Last Unicorns

Terri looked statuesque in a strapless gown made of glittery, sapphire-blue fabric. Katie was a pixie vixen in her black-and-silver-sequined tunic. One might have thought they were on their way to some fancy fundraiser gala ...

Frequent Liar

We had been sitting on the tarmac in Boston for 30 minutes, ostensibly “waiting for catering.” The flight attendants were making their final rounds when the thunderstorm rolled in. By the time the dark cell ...

The Bulldog

Mothers are known to think their daughters-in-law are evil, but I’m pretty sure they don’t go saying it to their faces. Especially mothers-in-law like mine: pre–Civil Rights era women who are always striving to keep ...

Nothing Left to Lose

I’ve got drugs on the brain, mostly because of my current surroundings. I’m on the island of Martha’s Vineyard, to attend my man’s annual photographic art exhibition at the Granary Gallery and visit my in-laws, ...

One Year Later

It had been a long while — almost a year — since I’d last seen the pig. “Is he still drinking?” I asked Sara. “Not really,” she said. “Not like he used to.” “Good,” I ...

Pony

It was an odd time and place for us to be having breakfast. Our norm is Greek honey yogurt with blueberries, sliced banana, and crushed almonds at around 9 a.m. But because of a particularly ...

The Nerve

"Oh no she didn’t,” I said to my screen. “What? Who?” David was seated in a chair five feet behind me. I stepped to the right of my standing desk so he could see my ...

What the Foie?

David unwrapped the package and set it on the kitchen island. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I should take a picture,” he said. I leaned forward to find an attractive angle of the beige brick. As ...

I Dig Dragons

Shawn and I clinked glasses. “To dragons and swords,” I said. “Speaking of which, where is Kimb?” asked Shawn, looking at his watch. “She’ll be here soon,” I said. “But for now, let’s relax and ...