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Stories by Barbarella

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France in an Instant

Did you see the headline from China? They teleported photons over 60 miles,” I said. When David shook his head in the affirmative, I felt a sense of pride in my worldliness. “Yeah, it was ...

Cirque du Crazy

I have issues with time. Not the laid-back, “I’ll get there when I get there” variety that seems to afflict so many here in San Diego. My time issues are more Swiss-German. I was standing ...

Massage Muddled

I sat on a plush sofa in a room dimly lit with electric candles and fussed over the gap in my robe with one hand while balancing a mango-papaya mimosa in the other. “I can’t ...

Snotty Sister

I lifted my head and looked over my laptop to glare directly at the inharmonious cacophony of sniffling and snuffling. Jane wiped at her nose with the heel of her hand for the umpteenth time ...

Immobile Phone

Do you not see this light blinking?” David squealed, in the same voice he uses when impersonating Vizzini from The Princess Bride, a character best known for the line, “Inconceivable!” “No,” I shrugged. “Phone’s behind ...

Classic Barb Guy

It was two years ago this month that I sought pharmaceutical assistance for my chronic anxiety. It took awhile to get the dosage right — it was four or five visits before I could talk ...

Life and Death

For most of us, death is not a daily affair. Our brains have difficulty processing the idea of our own nonexistence, and our hearts can’t stand considering the possibility of losing a loved one. Unless ...

Jerk 'Em Around

I fished my Evil Hello Kitty bejeweled phone out of my purse, saw my sister’s face on the display, and answered, “Yo, we’re standing outside of Long Island Mike’s waiting for Dad, what are you ...

iPhreaks

It was shortly after 6 a.m. and still dark outside. Dozens of cars populated the parking lot, but I couldn’t locate any bodies. “There,” I said, when I caught the pink flash of a young ...

Betty and the Pets

The invitation read, “black-tie optional.” David opted for black everything — a black silk tie with this black shirt and black suit. “Look, even the dogs are wearing tuxedos,” I said. “Will you hold this ...

San Diego This Week: My Little Pony Art, Seaport Village Busker Festival, The Formalist Quartet

Thursday | 22 THURSDAYS ON THE COAST This monthly event highlights galleries and merchants in the Carlsbad Village. Pick up a self-guided art-walk map at the information booth on the corner of State Street and ...

Around San Diego: Photography off the Prado, Writing Out Loud Ireland, Biodiversity in the Caribbean

Thursday | 15 MODERN MYTHS, FOLKLORE, AND TALL TALES This POP (“Photography off the Prado”) Thursday is produced by So Say We All, providing “custom-curated performances about real-life stories that intersect surreal, magical, and otherworldly ...

Bush League

I was prudent in the selection of my seat. My back was to the window, ensuring I wouldn’t get too warm and could face the room; near the head of the table, at the end ...

In San Diego: International Women's Day, Burning Man Film Festival, How to Be an American Housewife

Thursday | 8 INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY: THE MANY FACES OF SAN DIEGO In celebration, women from all over the world will discuss their success stories. Featured speakers include U.N. representatives Bettina Hausmann and Tatiana Bessarabova. ...

Buff Enough

It felt scandalous, my going to an Oscars party when I’d only seen one of the films nominated for Best Picture. It was a fluke I even saw the one — David and I had ...

In San Diego: Explore the Goddess, First Robotics, 1987 Free Burgers

Thursday | 1 EXPLORE THE GODDESS Join the Xcerpts discussion group to delve deeper into selections from this 1934 silent film, “one of the best known films of China’s cinematic golden age, which also inspired ...

Junkyard Creatures

I swiveled my head back and forth, but mostly down, and tried not to panic. I’d backed myself into a corner, and not in the figurative way. There were dozens of them, and they were ...

Your Week: The Car Plays, A Raisin in the Sun, Gap-Week Activities

Thursday | 23 TOWER AFTER HOURS: IRELAND! Sláinte! Enjoy traditional Irish music, dance, and stories performed by “our city’s top talent.” Also, regional food and drink provided by local Irish pubs and restaurants. WHEN: 6 ...

We're All Going to Die

David and I collected our boarding passes, and took a moment to look them over. “I’m sixty-seven,” David said. “First class. My name’s Isidor Strauss.” “I’m fourteen, third class,” I said. “Name’s Jamila.” We lowered ...

Follow the Talent

David and I have taken to watching ice hockey — David’s always loved the sport, and I’ve learned to appreciate the skill it takes to chase a tiny black disc around a slippery sheet of ...

Divine Beast

In 2011 I lost my kick-ass condo and went on anti-anxiety meds that — when combined with stress, financial troubles, moving house, and excessive drinking and dining out — left me two sizes larger. As ...

My Ask of Jane

People use jargon because they want to sound smart and credible when in fact they sound profoundly dim-witted and typically can’t be understood, which defeats the purpose of speaking in the first place. – Karen ...

The Pointy Ball Game

David and I were waiting for one of the guys behind the desk to find our room reservation on his monitor when his coworker, looking at me, said, “So, are you excited for the game?” ...

Better you

As soon as the sound of David’s retching began to subside, I rushed into the bathroom to get a quick peek into the bowl beneath his crumpled frame. Before he could sit back on his ...

Original Lady

We huddled by the frosted glass door just inside of the entrance to a man’s home we’d met only 15 minutes before. It had been Shawn’s idea to stash us two doors down. Our temporary ...

San Diego Events: Ruby Red Cabaret, Nimpentoad, Healthy in a Hurry

Thursday | 5 SEVEN SECRETS TO VIBRANT HEALTH AND LASTING BEAUTY Nancy Lonsdorf, M.D., a teacher and Ayurvedic specialist (a traditional alternative medicine in India) and author of A Woman’s Best Medicine and The Ageless ...

From a Bean

I can understand why people think I don’t like kids. I don’t have any children of my own (nor do I want any), and I’m often the first to pipe up in a crowded area ...

San Diego Events: Improvisied Comedic Murder, Whale Watching, Qigong

Thursday | 29 LOOSEN UP TO ABSTRACT PAINTING Learn to use “basic principles of abstraction and combine them into your own style of painting.” Bring ideas for inspiration, such as photos, art reproduction, and sketches. ...

Fretful Fiasco

During my childhood, Christmas was, without question, my favorite holiday. The myth, the magic, the mirth: everything about it was wonderful. I was raised Catholic, but by the time my sisters and I entered adolescence, ...

San Diego Events: 98 Bottles Revue, Grinch at the Old Globe, Stencil Art

Thursday | 22 DRUMMING IN THE LIGHT Celebrate the “birth of light in the darkest night of the year” with music therapist Christine Stevens and the UpBeat Rhythm Tribe during this winter-solstice drum circle. No ...

Evil of America

“Barb, I don’t know what to do -- they want me to testify,” Jane said. “Wow. Shit just got real,” I said. “What do you mean you don’t know what to do? You have to. ...

San Diego Events: Product Porch, KFTS Radio Variety Show, Las Posadas

Thursday | 15 TEA AND DESIGN DOWNTOWN Product Porch (a pop-up shop and “retail experiment” currently on view downtown) partners with Halcyon Tea for an afternoon of specialty teas, pastries, art, and design. Brooks Hudson ...

In the Doghouse

David and I rarely argue. Bicker, sure, everyone bickers -- a cranky huff, a misunderstanding that leads to irritation, we are human after all. But argue? As in fundamentally disagree and dig our respective heels ...

San Diego Events: QRt Show, Gaslamp Holiday Parade, Labyrinth

Thursday | 8 QRt SHOW Bring your smart phone to the reception for this exhibit integrating art and technology. With your phone you can scan custom QR codes to access the portfolios of “more than ...

The Judge

“Will you call Michelle?” “You call her,” I said. David huffed in frustration. “I don’t have my phone with me, and I’m driving. And it was your idea,” he said. “You can use my phone, ...

San Diego Events: "Occupy Wall Street, the Tea Party, or Both?"

Thursday | 1 WHAT IS POLITICAL POPULISM? The Civilized Conversation Club converges at Filter to discuss “Which is the real populism: Occupy Wall Street, the Tea Party, or both?” You are welcome to share your ...

Eighteen

“Eighteen. That’s a big one,” I said. “We should get her lottery tickets.” “I don’t know what your thing is with lottery tickets, that’s the third time you’ve mentioned them,” David said. “Dana suggested something ...

Die, Ralph, Die

Kevin looked more confused than surprised when he found me on his doorstep. “Are you C.C.’s chauffer?” He gestured at my father, who was standing behind me. Though I had indeed done the driving, it ...

San Diego Events: Encinitas Street Fair, Yak Academy, Holiday Lego Trains

Thursday | 17 WINE-AND-FOOD-FESTIVAL COOKING CLASSES The San Diego Bay Wine and Food Festival will host this array of cooking classes including Pleasure Principles: Spoil the One You Love with Cocktails and Cuisine, A Taste ...

San Diego Events: Where Soldiers Come From, Snow Jam 15, The Chronology of Water

Thursday | 10 WHERE SOLDIERS COME FROM, THE FILM Catch the Veterans Day preview screening of Heather Courtney’s film, which follows the four-year journey of childhood friends who join the National Guard after graduating from ...

The Accident: Part 2

I’d been traveling for 20 hours: from Shinjuku to Narita, Narita to San Francisco, San Francisco to San Diego, and finally, the short cab ride home. Once I’d dropped my suitcase in my bedroom, I ...

The Accident: Part 1

“How’s he doing, everything okay?” It was an empty question -- I was sure of the answer. There was no room in my mind to consider any alternative to fine. Dad had still been in ...

San Diego Events: Tower After Hours: Germany, Day of the Dead Altars, Día de los Muertos

Thursday | 27 TOWER AFTER HOURS: GERMANY The German American Societies of San Diego, House of Germany, and La Jolla Brew House have come together to present an Oktoberfest-themed Tower After Hours at the San ...

Kappa

“What is that, a duck?” David followed my gaze to the green-painted humanoid statue. “Looks more like a turtle,” he said. “Turtles don’t have beaks. And look at its head – maybe it’s some kind ...

San Diego Events: Pechakucha Night, Borrego Days, Haunted Birch

Thursday | 20 PECHAKUCHA NIGHT See what inspires a collection of notable locals in the arts and architecture field. Presenters have 20 images — and only 20 seconds per image — to convey their passion. ...

Pizza Places

The younger sibling of the larger Arrivederci Ristorante a few doors down specializes in Neapolitan-style pizza. Sidewalk seating gives diners a front-row view of Hillcrest happenings. Servers are likely to speak Italian, and the low ...

Nibbles and Drinks

What first drew me in here was Starlite’s informal, relaxed atmosphere, illuminated by a sparkly, starry sky-like chandelier hovering over the sunken bar. Though atmosphere played a significant role, it was the consistent deliciousness of ...

Plane Truth?

I’ve logged enough miles in the air to know that no flight is a go until those wheels leave the ground. This is why I was mildly disappointed but not terribly surprised when, after we’d ...

San Diego Events: Oceanside Music Festival, Pet Expo, Sugar Skull Decorating

Thursday | 13 LORD OF THE RINGS IN CONCERT Howard Shore’s complete award-winning score for The Fellowship of the Ring will be performed onstage by more than 200 musicians, with conductor Ludwig Wicki and soprano ...

Friendlies

It seemed like an innocuous deed, posting a link to my friend’s video on my Facebook wall. Nice, even. I’d go so far as to say it was the opposite of reprehensible. The link was ...

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