Stories | Diary of a Diva
Unusual Suspects
Published Nov. 4, 2009
I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier? — John Steinbeck It was 10:30 p.m. on Friday night, and the line ...
Bee’s Knees in the Barrio
Published Oct. 28, 2009
Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, ever be both. — David Brown I led David through a labyrinth of suspended fabric and into an unpopulated ...
Halloweenie
Published Oct. 21, 2009
[Halloween is] overrun by grown-ups who claimed it as a holy rite in the church of perpetual adolescence. — Lawrence Downes "I want to go to the party, but I don’t want to have to dress ...
"Pokémon" Published Oct. 14, 2009
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. — Unknown "Are you sure you don’t mind if I ... More Comments (6)
Generation Gap Published Oct. 7, 2009
That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in another. — Adlai Stevenson I sidled up to ... More Comments (23)
Partners in Crime Published Sept. 30, 2009
Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing. — Oliver Wendell Holmes ‘Here I was, sitting outside ... More Comments (5)
The Detailer Published Sept. 23, 2009
Housework, if it is done right, can kill you. — John Skow David emitted a little grunt each time he advanced, making it only a ... More Comments (2)
Insidious Infections Published Sept. 16, 2009
In the nineteenth century, men lost their fear of God and acquired a fear of microbes. — Author Unknown Swine flu is tearing my family ... More Comments (43)
Board-domme Published Sept. 9, 2009
The tendency to whining and complaining may be taken as the surest sign of little souls and inferior intellects. — Lord Jeffrey I struggled to ... More Comments (26)
Friendly Research Squad Published Sept. 2, 2009
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. — Author Unknown "Two cups of coffee and I’m still groggy.” I brought my fingers to my forehead and ... More Comments (48)
Flying Solo Published Aug. 26, 2009
Language...has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being ... More Comments (70)
Seven Year Itch Published Aug. 19, 2009
When something itches, my dear sir, the natural tendency is to scratch. — Dr. Brubaker in The Seven Year Itch Are you getting itchy?” I ... More Comments (20)
Wild Wedding Published Aug. 12, 2009
How do you forge a friendship in 140 characters or less? — Rosa Jurjevics "So, how do you know Charley and Rebecca?” asked the woman ... More Comment (1)
Comfy Cozy Published Aug. 5, 2009
When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat? — Chuck Palahniuk "This is just the kind of thing I was ... More Comments (7)
Mice at Play Published July 29, 2009
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. — Bertrand Russell The stars were bright ... More Comments (6)
Ticks-ident Published July 15, 2009
There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them. — Andre Gide I sensed that the status was definitely not quo, ... More Comments (17)
Furry Children Published July 8, 2009
I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. ... More Comments (144)
Fromness Published July 1, 2009
To me, it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by geography. — George Santayana ‘Where are you from?” It was a simple ... More Comments (6)
Playpendemonium Published June 17, 2009
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. — Mell Lazarus Had it not been for the unmistakable racket ... More Comments (2)
Love Is Not Enough Published June 10, 2009
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. — Erica Jong As Karen chronicled her first few ... More Comments (12)
Bang Bang Published June 3, 2009
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). — Eddie Izzard I exited the freeway 20 or ... More Comments (16)
Marking a Milestone Published May 27, 2009
I love my father as the stars — he’s a bright shining example and a happy twinkling in my heart. — Adabella Radici Dad sat ... More Comments (5)
Working Girl Published May 20, 2009
Nobody on his deathbed ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.” — Paul Tsongas I rolled onto my right side ... More Comments (2)
No Do-Overs Published May 13, 2009
Youth is a disease from which we all recover. — Dorothy Fulheim ‘That’s the third billboard for 17 Again that we’ve passed in as many ... More Comments (6)
Not So Swedish Published May 6, 2009
A man can stand a lot as long as he can stand himself. He can live without hope, without friends, without books, even without music, ... More Comments (5)
Receiving Bella Published April 22, 2009
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. —Joan Kerr Bella ... More Comments (9)
Junk Talk Published April 15, 2009
What’s the big mystery? It’s my vagina, not the sphinx! — Miranda on Sex and the City We were at Target, a store Jane hits ... More Comments (45)
Happy Tummy Published April 8, 2009
In the strict scientific sense, we all feed on death — even vegetarians. — Mr. Spock, Star Trek My friend Hanis has a tattoo of ... More Comments (118)
Empirical Girl Published April 1, 2009
Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment. — Rita Mae Brown "This is fantastic,” I said. “It’s not so good ... More Comments (4)
Assembly Accomplished Published March 25, 2009
Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. — Georges-Louis Leclerc, Comte de Buffon I gave a rundown of my day, as I do ... More Comments (8)
Pensive Phase Published March 18, 2009
I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in. — ... More Comments (4)
Give and Take Published March 11, 2009
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. — Émile Zola I wrenched myself from the espresso-machine demo and ... More Comments (21)
Family Practice Published March 4, 2009
As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters. — Solomon Ibn Gabirol I waited in the lobby and watched through the ... More Comments (6)
Without a Word Published Feb. 25, 2009
Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. — Barnett R. Brickner It’s not that ... More Comments (6)
Horribly Obsessive Published Feb. 18, 2009
Any dolt with half a brain can see that humankind has gone insane. — Dr. Horrible I tried to hide my satisfaction when Janet ordered ... More Comments (15)
Undiagnosed Published Feb. 11, 2009
Disease is somatic; the suffering from it, psychic. — Martin H. Fischer It began on Sunday morning. From my first bite of oatmeal, whatever I ... More Comments (26)
Do Right Published Feb. 4, 2009
I dug right down to the bottom of my soul... And cried. ’Cause I felt...nothing. — A Chorus Line “Your phone is ringing,” David said. ... More Comments (20)
Lollipop Guild Published Jan. 28, 2009
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. — George Bernard Shaw Bella was the first to notice me. She ... More Comments (33)
Forsaking Friendships Published Jan. 21, 2009
Do not keep on with a mockery of friendship after the substance is gone — but part, while you can part friends. Bury the carcass ... More Comments (15)
Pizza Nut Published Jan. 14, 2009
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. — Robert ... More Comments (26)
A Christmas Carol Published Jan. 7, 2009
Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future. — Gail Lumet Buckley Despite a ... More Comments (3)
Snow Sniveling Published Dec. 30, 2008
The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world ... More Comments (2)
Virtual Water Cooler Published Dec. 23, 2008
“Someone smells a little too human at Trader Joe’s.” — Shindotv on Twitter I bowed forward 90 degrees and slowly lifted my right leg into ... More Comments (20)
Twisted Sister Published Dec. 17, 2008
If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you ... More Comments (4)
Rite of Passage Published Dec. 10, 2008
Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. — Sophia Loren To say I was “looking forward” to Thanksgiving would be ... More Comments (10)
Dark Night Published Dec. 3, 2008
If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling. — Dr. ... More Comments (8)
Inner Child Published Nov. 25, 2008
“Thank heaven for little girls.” — Maurice Chevalier Once I set us up with drinks, a bowl of corn chips, and spinach dip from Trader ... More Comments (13)
Party Poopers Published Nov. 19, 2008
The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones. — Gabirol There are few things that ruffle my fancy feathers more than ... More Comments (5)
My Friends Published Nov. 12, 2008
Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed. — Irene Peter I’m not the type to mount a soapbox and demand credit for ... More Comments (3)
Portuguese Hospitality Published Nov. 5, 2008
I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place ... More Comments (6)
The Great Escape Published Oct. 29, 2008
Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves. — Earl Wilson Six months ago, when I first felt the ... More Comments (15)
The Newlywed Game Published Oct. 22, 2008
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. — Mae West The rain fell in big droplets on the centuries-old cobblestones ... More Comments (7)
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