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Stories | Diary of a Diva

Fromness

Fromness

To me, it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by geography. — George Santayana ‘Where are you from?” It was a simple question. But the way Jane stared back at the guy, you’d ...

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Playpendemonium

Playpendemonium

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. — Mell Lazarus Had it not been for the unmistakable racket of a wailing child and the desperate, hushed tone of ...

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Love Is Not Enough

Love Is Not Enough

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. — Erica Jong As Karen chronicled her first few dates with a new guy, I couldn’t help thinking how ...

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Bang Bang

Bang Bang

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). — Eddie Izzard I exited the freeway 20 or ... More Comments (15)

Marking a Milestone

Marking a Milestone

I love my father as the stars — he’s a bright shining example and a happy twinkling in my heart. — Adabella Radici Dad sat ... More Comments (5)

Working Girl

Working Girl

Nobody on his deathbed ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.” — Paul Tsongas I rolled onto my right side ... More Comments (2)

No Do-Overs

No Do-Overs

Youth is a disease from which we all recover. — Dorothy Fulheim ‘That’s the third billboard for 17 Again that we’ve passed in as many ... More Comments (6)

Not So Swedish

Not So Swedish

A man can stand a lot as long as he can stand himself. He can live without hope, without friends, without books, even without music, ... More Comments (5)

Receiving Bella

Receiving Bella

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. —Joan Kerr Bella ... More Comments (9)

Junk Talk

Junk Talk

What’s the big mystery? It’s my vagina, not the sphinx! — Miranda on Sex and the City We were at Target, a store Jane hits ... More Comments (45)

Happy Tummy

Happy Tummy

In the strict scientific sense, we all feed on death — even vegetarians. — Mr. Spock, Star Trek My friend Hanis has a tattoo of ... More Comments (118)

Empirical Girl

Empirical Girl

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment. — Rita Mae Brown "This is fantastic,” I said. “It’s not so good ... More Comments (4)

Assembly Accomplished

Assembly Accomplished

Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. — Georges-Louis Leclerc, Comte de Buffon I gave a rundown of my day, as I do ... More Comments (8)

Pensive Phase

Pensive Phase

I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in. — ... More Comments (4)

Give and Take

Give and Take

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. — Émile Zola I wrenched myself from the espresso-machine demo and ... More Comments (21)

Family Practice

Family Practice

As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters. — Solomon Ibn Gabirol I waited in the lobby and watched through the ... More Comments (6)

Without a Word

Without a Word

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. — Barnett R. Brickner It’s not that ... More Comments (6)

Horribly Obsessive

Horribly Obsessive

Any dolt with half a brain can see that humankind has gone insane. — Dr. Horrible I tried to hide my satisfaction when Janet ordered ... More Comments (14)

Undiagnosed

Undiagnosed

Disease is somatic; the suffering from it, psychic. — Martin H. Fischer It began on Sunday morning. From my first bite of oatmeal, whatever I ... More Comments (26)

Do Right

Do Right

I dug right down to the bottom of my soul... And cried. ’Cause I felt...nothing. — A Chorus Line “Your phone is ringing,” David said. ... More Comments (20)

Lollipop Guild

Lollipop Guild

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. — George Bernard Shaw Bella was the first to notice me. She ... More Comments (33)

Forsaking Friendships

Forsaking Friendships

Do not keep on with a mockery of friendship after the substance is gone — but part, while you can part friends. Bury the carcass ... More Comments (15)

Pizza Nut

Pizza Nut

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. — Robert ... More Comments (26)

A Christmas Carol

A Christmas Carol

Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future. — Gail Lumet Buckley Despite a ... More Comments (3)

Snow Sniveling

Snow Sniveling

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world ... More Comments (2)

Virtual Water Cooler

Virtual Water Cooler

“Someone smells a little too human at Trader Joe’s.” — Shindotv on Twitter I bowed forward 90 degrees and slowly lifted my right leg into ... More Comments (20)

Twisted Sister

Twisted Sister

If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you ... More Comments (4)

Rite of Passage

Rite of Passage

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. — Sophia Loren To say I was “looking forward” to Thanksgiving would be ... More Comments (10)

Dark Night

Dark Night

If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling. — Dr. ... More Comments (8)

Inner Child

Inner Child

“Thank heaven for little girls.” — Maurice Chevalier Once I set us up with drinks, a bowl of corn chips, and spinach dip from Trader ... More Comments (13)

Party Poopers

Party Poopers

The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones. — Gabirol There are few things that ruffle my fancy feathers more than ... More Comments (5)

My Friends

My Friends

Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed. — Irene Peter I’m not the type to mount a soapbox and demand credit for ... More Comments (3)

Portuguese Hospitality

Portuguese Hospitality

I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place ... More Comments (6)

The Great Escape

The Great Escape

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves. — Earl Wilson Six months ago, when I first felt the ... More Comments (15)

The Newlywed Game

The Newlywed Game

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. — Mae West The rain fell in big droplets on the centuries-old cobblestones ... More Comments (7)

Democratic Process

Democratic Process

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. — Maureen Murphy "Okay, ... More Comments (13)

Native Tongue

Native Tongue

One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing. — Frank Sheed ‘How do you say, ‘Your mother is a ... More Comments (7)

Clutter Clingers

Clutter Clingers

Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful. — William Morris David was both appreciative ... More Comments (4)

Comfort Food

Comfort Food

An easygoing husband is the one indispensable comfort of life. — Marie Louise De La Ramee ‘You know what sounds really good right now?” David ... More Comments (18)

Poodle Peepers

Poodle Peepers

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. — Rita Rudner When Rosa asked me what my plans were ... More Comments (8)

Homeland Absurdity

Homeland Absurdity

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere. — Frank A. Clark The only burp so far on our ... More Comments (10)

Animal Magnetism

Animal Magnetism

If it’s true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers. — Doris Day According to ... More Comments (10)

We Sisters

We Sisters

Video games are bad for you? That’s what they said about rock and roll. — Shigeru Miyamoto Heather was right when she said an explanation ... More Comments (5)

Child's Pose

Child's Pose

Yoga is difficult for the one whose mind is not subdued. — Bhagavad Gita Despite all the dismissive things I’ve said about patchouli-wearing chakra tweakers, ... More Comments (9)

Tele-Visiting

Tele-Visiting

I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. -- Orson Welles I wondered whether or not it ... More Comments (16)

Play Day

Play Day

What is bought is cheaper than a gift. — Portuguese proverb I had told Jen to be ready at 8:15 a.m. At 8 a.m. she ... More Comments (2)

Married Off

Married Off

All weddings, except those with shotguns in evidence, are wonderful. — Liz Smith The first one was periwinkle and the texture of living room drapes. ... More Comments (7)

Little Brown Dress

Little Brown Dress

When I free my body from its clothes, from all their buttons, belts, and laces, it seems to me that my soul takes a deeper, ... More Comments (9)

Hard-Drive Havoc

Hard-Drive Havoc

User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” — Dave Barry The initial symptoms of a massive failure, such as a heart ... More Comments (4)

Vest-ment

Vest-ment

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. — Bill Gates David’s brother Dana and I stood side by side, surveying ... More Comments (3)

Daddy's Girls

Daddy's Girls

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes. — Gloria Naylor Like a good amateur psychologist, when I encounter a hot mess of ... More Comments (6)

Panty Party

Panty Party

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. — Dorothy Parker Most of the “lingerie parties” I’ve attended have featured women arriving in their finest lace or ... More Comments (8)

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Casey Beldon (Odette Yustman) hated her mother for leaving her as a child. But when inexplicable things start to happen, ... More