Joseph O'Brien 2 p.m., May 25
Wrap your present like you care
“I wrapped one with the Sunday comics, one in an old map, one in a beautiful silk scarf...”
Boys will be boys and shoot things
Boys like to shoot guns. I like children to remain uninjured. Airsoft, which involves shooting one’s friends but also involves plastic BBs and full facemasks, sounded like it might be a way to meet halfway. ...
“I like necklaces — keeps the deceased close to the heart.”
This has been a rough year for funerals. We are attending more than I wish to acknowledge. This past week it was a dear friend’s mama. Besides the usual flowers and meal, which feel sort ...
“We had to call animal rescue to remove a raccoon and her babies.”
Pay these people to banish the raccoons from your chimney.
“It was the kind of soup that brings comfort right down to your toes.”
My friend Lorraine has a golden soul. She’s the type of person who surprises you with coffee deliveries at that exact hour of need, who sends supportive texts throughout the day, who drops off mountains ...
Make like Charlie Brown
“The largest pumpkin ever grown weighed over 2000 pounds.”
Galas are sweet, Jonagolds are a little tart, and Grannies are really tart
It's not a bit like fall, but pick apples and pretend.
Hire someone to get up in your grill
"At least half of the barbecues I work on have rodent droppings where the burners are, and/or nests, and/or actual rodents inside. People are cooking rodent droppings along with their food. "
Advice about over-the-shoulder boulder-holders
“No matter what gravity does to your boobs, I don’t think you’ll ever go to Walmart with them tucked into your pants.”
“A full sandwich is pretty big, three inches high and six inches across.”
Summer has the Kellys exploring the boom in gourmet ice cream sandwiches. “We are baking cookies all day long, so that we can serve you the absolutely freshest, warmest cookie for your custom ice cream ...