More opera, less ED.

New studies at the University of Tübingen in Germany have shown that listening to classical music for 25 minutes per day cures erectile disfunction in men who are pre-diabetic. The added blood flow from listening to the music creates erections that last “long enough but not too long” according to researchers.

I’m lying. I believe the sin of which I’m more guilty is “click baiting.” However, I must ask if anyone else is getting tired of hearing about the health benefits of classical music?

These articles show up everywhere. They get shared on social media by musicians, their friends click “Like,” and then continue not listening to classical music.

We don’t see this type of article written as often about other types of music. Why is classical music treated as though it were something to purchase at Whole Foods that will improve one’s health?

It’s almost as if listening to classical music is akin to eating one’s vegetables. It’s one of those things we should do even though we might not necessarily love it.

If the drumbeat of articles about the effects of classical music are meant to convince the reader that classical music has value then they are, in my opinion, bunk. I am not suggesting that these articles are untrue.

I am suggesting that as a tool to demonstrate the value of classical music, these articles are misguided. When it comes to subjects such as music, theater, even movies, and definitely religion, arguments that include the benefits of the topic are rarely effective.

No one believes in classical music because of the benefits it gives to the central nervous system. We believe in classical music because of an experience or a story.

For example, the movie Amadeus will make almost anyone but the most obtuse into a Mozart groupie. The story seduces us into Mozart’s musical bed and the experience turns us toward classical music.

Can you imagine if there were text after the movie that explained that after Mozart’s death scientists went on to “discover” the physical benefits of his music? No. That’s a silly idea.

Mozart’s music is something like the beach. Whenever we go to the beach, regardless of the weather, we feel at least a little bit better. Whenever we listen to Mozart’s music we also feel at least a little bit better. It is this feel-good experience that brings us back.

I understand that science is trying to confirm the anatomy of this good feeling but to use the science as an apologist’s tool is dispassionate, sterile, and boring. Classical music is passionate, fertile, and exciting and has some legacy effects on our bodies, which is a nice coincidence but it isn’t the point.