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REASSESSING THE BENEFITS OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY, SAN DIEGO STATE — Following a fall semester which saw no fewer than seven SDSU students report incidences of sexual assault, the university's administration decided to take decisive action. "Because everybody knows that fraternities are little more than alcohol-based petri dishes devoted to the cultivation of rapey dudebros," explained SDSU President Smelliot Smirchman, "we decided to implement a mandatory online course for all members of Greek organizations. The course would help students understand that women at SDSU are first and foremost students, developing their minds and laying the foundations for their futures. As a result, there will be times when they are not interested in partying or engaging in sexual activity. The course is designed for all Greeks, including the sororities and their naughty, naughty spanking rituals. But it's mostly for the guys. (Reached for comment, Greek Life Overlord Dustin Guzzle giggled and pointed out that Smirchman said "developing," "women," and "laying.")

Maybe "sexual," "sorority," "co-ed," "collegiate," and "exploit" weren't the best words to group on your homepage.

Unfortunately, the decision to make the course available online may have worked against Smirchman's goal of humanizing campus females. "It seems that there are a number of websites out there devoted to depicting exactly the sorts of behaviors we're trying to avoid," he said. "And it also seems that ads for these sites tend to appear near texts that contain certain terms. We've got a couple of the TAs from the Computer Science department working on it." (Commented Guzzle, "He said 'T & A.' Heh.")

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