As relations between San Diego and its precious Chargers continue to worsen — last week, Chargers chief counsel Mark Fabiani told the city’s Chargers task force to “get ready to get bent over a barrel” — rumors are circulating that certain higher-ups have begun exploring other options. Namely: some way to make the Chargers’ move to Los Angeles easier to swallow. And according to an inside source — known to this reporter as “Deeper Throat” — one possibility involves a trade: professional football for professional fornication.

“Los Angeles is a progressive city,” says Throat. “You might think that would make us a perfect fit for porn production, since political progressivism has consistently been associated with increased sexual freedom, whether it be through legalized sodomy, legalized contraception, or legalized abortion. But from a regulatory standpoint, porn production isn’t about sexual freedom. Porn purchase and porn consumption, sure. But production, on a pro level at least, involves employees. And being progressive has always meant taking care of employees, even employees engaged in their * with * and getting * in the * by three * in a grimy tool shed. Perhaps especially then. It’s why Los Angeles has required condoms on porn shoots ever since 2012 in an effort to protect against the spread of sexually transmitted disease. And that is why we’ve seen an unhealthy chunk of our businesses flee to less…regulated venues like Las Vegas over the past few years. Condoms are a sexual reality, and people don’t really want that much reality in their fantasy. It’s not that anyone actually wants to do business in Vegas — just because people are involved in putting extremely perverse sex acts onscreen for profit doesn’t mean they’re utterly devoid of humanity — it’s just that Vegas is the nearest porn-friendly alternative.”

We'll miss the Charger girls, but at least the uniforms are similar.

With Operation Skin Swap, Throat is looking to change that. “San Diego could be the perfect porn town. It’s already L.A.’s little brother in so many ways; playing home to the country’s second-tier — but still extremely profitable — movie business is just a natural extension of that. It’s just a couple hours down the I-5 for all those struggling starlets who still want to hit the Hollywood casting couch in between interracial gangbangs. And its hands-off political stance when it comes to the private sector is already justly famous. If porn actors are allowed to have their way with porn actresses the way San Diego developers are allowed to have their way with the Southern California landscape...well, let’s just say I don’t think condoms are going to be an issue. With the right incentives, we could move the entire business down to you guys within two years. Financially, at least, you wouldn’t miss the Chargers one bit. The levels of physical performance are comparable. And Lord knows the team’s performance has gotten you used to the vague feelings of dissatisfaction and self-loathing many people experience after using porn.”

Throat grants that proposal has met with objections, particularly from San Diego–based industry analysts who note that porn is far less profitable than it used to be, thanks to the younger generation’s fondness for free, frequently amateur content posted on the internet. But he’s quick to note that, however diminished, “a company like Vivid Entertainment isn’t about to shake down the city for millions of dollars. You don’t need a brand new stadium to make great porn. If anyone’s getting bent over in this deal, it won’t be Joe Taxpayer.”