My mom, back in the day, enjoying at mystery shot at an SDSU pool party.
  • My mom, back in the day, enjoying at mystery shot at an SDSU pool party.
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Troy Rampant is a senior at a San Diego high school.

Man, back in the day, it was just easier, you know? My mom, she didn't know what she wanted to do when she got out of high school, except she knew she wanted to party. So she went to State. That's just what you did. She likes to joke that she can't remember what happened over those four years, so she must have had a good time. But she graduated and got a job in sales and got married and had me, and that was all good. Now I'm 18, and it looks like the cup didn't fall far from the keg, if you know what I mean.

But things are different today. Today, if a girl can't remember what happened the night before, she automatically assumes she was raped. I mean, she knows why I'm giving her a drink at a party, right? It's not because I want her to feel comfortable discussing her feelings with a stranger. It's because I want her to feel comfortable exchanging bodily fluids with a stranger. So, if there's something extra in the drink to help that happen, no surprise there. Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker, and Flunitrazepam is wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. But word just came down that San Diego State did some major internal investigation of sexual assault on campus, and now they're putting all these so-called "safeguards" in place. Like it's not already hard enough to score with any chick over a 7, amirite?

And on top of that, it's not like it's even that easy to get in at State any more. My guidance counselor told me that it might as well be a reach school, thanks to that [expletive] math teacher Mrs. Donovan.

It's gotten so bad that they're even harshing on the nerds up in La Jolla. They're thinking of canceling Sun God! The poor nerds; they've already got so little to live for. So really, what I'm saying is, people can't be surprised when the Party Animals start showing up at the community colleges. It's all that's left for us. I hear that the Palomar College admin issued a statement after things got crazy at Tau Kappa Epsilon last month, advising "students and all campus community members to consider carefully whether their presence at or near TKE social events and parties could place them in danger of sexual assault, date rape drugs or similar illegal drug and/or alcohol use and abuse." Well, at least now they can't say they weren't warned. Go Greek! Go comets!

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