GREAT IDEA, GLAD WE THOUGHT OF IT, SEAWORLD — Following the news that its stock's value had been savagely shredded by an attack from Blackfish, the documentary that criticized its treatment of both orcas and employees, SeaWorld announced that it was redoubling its commitment to its most important asset: its shareholders.
"Our investors have made us what we are today," said SeaWorld Director of Caretaking Cash Savage in an SD on the QT exclusive. "Around the world, there is an immediate, powerful association of the words 'SeaWorld' and 'killer dividends.' To jeopardize that association in the name of saving a few pennies here and there would not only be foolish, it would also be cruel to the noble souls we have been blessed to call part of the SeaWorld family ever since we went public last year. Investors are enormously powerful, it's true, but that fantastic financial strength should not blind us to the fact that they require proper care and handling if they are going to thrive. Without a certain level of security and reward, they can become skittish and unpredictable. On occasion, they have even been known to turn on those closest to them — sometimes, with disastrous consequences. We here at SeaWorld are committed to making sure that does not happen, ever."
To that end, said Savage, "we have decided to more than double our earnings capacity for the upcoming fiscal year. It won't be easy, and there will undoubtedly be those who question our motives, and even our commitment. But you know what? It's the right thing to do — for us, and for our investors. And we are confident that our new policy will provide its own very special kind of reward."
In other news, continued Savage, "We're also going to make our killer whale holding tanks bigger. With more windows and stuff. Kids like that sort of thing. The cost of the project will of course require us to double our single-day parking fee from $20 to $40, but we remain confident that no mommy is going to tell her little girl that she can't see Shamu because of a lousy parking pass."