Following a sharp uptick in the number of sexual assaults by people whose police sketches look like celebrities, the San Diego Police Department has brought in Celebrisketch Consultant Dirk Brogan for insight into the workings of their alleged suspects' minds. What follows are Brogan's uncensored, entirely conjectural notes to the Department, obtained exclusively by SD on the QT and offered here for the satisfaction of your celeb gossip itch.
On May 30, a heavyset man who nonetheless resembled the popular musician Pharrell Williams attacked a woman in Escondido. "As near as I can figure," comments Brogan, "Pharrell must have gone on a bit of a carbo-spree following the huge success of 'Blurred Lines' [the Robin Thicke 2013 song of the summer which Pharrell cowrote, coperformed, and produced]. I guess it's not surprising; the man got his biggest hit out of a song he probably regarded as a bit of a lark. They recorded it in less than an hour. But when it blew up into a number-one single, people noticed all the creepy-rapey elements in a tune about getting a 'good girl' high and then telling her, 'I know you want it.' Suddenly, a lot of folks were mad at that song, and suddenly, I'm guessing, Pharrell realized he had appeared in a music video full of topless babes, bestiality allusions, and balloons that spelled out 'Robin Thicke has a Big D*.' Dude was thrown off his game. That can lead to a lot of late-night anxiety snacking, and that can lead to a lot of weight gain, which explains the sketch. It also explains why the assault took place at an LA Fitness in Escondido. I've seen it before: celebrity goes to work off the weight in some backwater where he won't be recognized, gets frustrated by his lack of progress, and takes it out on a local. It's a sad story. I'm just glad he bounced back with 'Happy.' And he looks great these days, too!"
Then in late June of 2014, two separate incidents produced a sketch that bore a marked resemblance to Wes Bentley. "Bentley broke through with his performance as a sensitive artist-type in American Beauty," explains Brogan. "That explains the attraction to hipsterville North Park. Once he was famous, however… well, just look at his career after that: Blackheart in Ghost Rider? Lusk in Jonah Hex? An uncredited bit in Underworld: Awakening? That's a recipe for frustration, especially for such a handsome man. Given all that, it had to hurt to get knocked out of the Hunger Games franchise after just one film, especially after growing that ridiculous beard. And then he gets a part in the porn star biopic Lovelace? That's a pretty potent mix of violence and sex. Then top it off with his casting as Eddie on the upcoming season of American Horror Story, a show that's already taken twisted sexuality into places heretofore unexplored on basic cable. How is Eddie described on his wiki? As 'a dark tormentor bent on revenge.' I hardly think we can blame the guy. It'd be like blaming Russell Crowe for throwing a telephone at a hotel clerk right after he finished playing a boxer, a man of violence, in Cinderella Man." (Crowe received a conditional discharge after the incident.)
Meanwhile, Otay Mesa saw three incidents over a four-month period involving a dead ringer for famed bad-boy actor Colin Farrell. "Come on," says Brogan. "You don't even need me for this one. Otay Mesa? Just across the border from partytown in Tijuana? Handsome Irish laddie with a taste for a wee drop of the cratur? Does a great job in Seven Psychopaths, but the film pulls in under $20 million worldwide? Does a crap job in Winter's Tale and the film makes $30 million? Does a pantomime in Saving Mr. Banks and bingo, $112 million? This one shouldn't be raising any bushy eyebrows. I mean, is anybody surprised when Lindsay Lohan gets wasted and drives a luxury automobile around Los Angeles? More importantly, does anything think she should be punished for it? These people are what they are, and we need to remember the good that they do, the entertainment value they represent."
However, Brogan was not entirely unconcerned with the recent rash of "celebrassaults." "Back in October of 2013, some guy who looked just like Lt. Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation broke into a City Heights home and sexually assaulted the woman living there. I mean, come on — that show went off the air in 1994. This kind of behavior is simply unacceptable for someone whose star is that faded. A grope on the subway, maybe, but not this. This is the problem with these bits of pop culture that develop a cult following; these guys keep seeing fans at the conventions, and they think they still matter enough to get away with anything. It's a warped sense of entitlement, is what it is. I mean, it might have been different if it had been [original Star Trek star William] Shatner — at least he's still doing commercials, you know?"