"To heal the nation’s divisions by healing the divisions of those around us,” my man said.
“Are you working on a campaign speech?” I asked.
“Nope. An invitation for the election-night party I’m going to throw,” Patrick replied. “And since you’re a cheapskate, it’ll be a potluck.”
“You are not entitled to your own facts,” I announced in my best Romney voice.
“You didn’t build that,” Patrick retorted.
We set aside the rhetoric and got down to planning. “We’ll vote for the best and worst dish,” suggested Pat, “and worst dish has to wear a donkey or elephant disguise, depending on their party. [Democrat disguise kit: donkey-ear headband and nose and teeth, $9.37 on Amazon. Republican disguise kit: elephant-ear headband with trunk, $9.00 on Amazon.] Or we could have Obama and Romney masks [$19.99 at the Spirit Halloween-costume outlet].”
“I already have ice-cube trays and candy molds in elephants and donkeys,” I added. (Set of two “Undecided Party” silicone ice-cube trays includes one Republican elephant and one Democratic donkey tray, $19.99 on Amazon.) “As the night rolls on, electoral votes will roll in, and as a state goes red or blue, you down a cocktail — preferably a red or a blue cocktail.”
We asked some boozy friends to come up with Obama and Romney cocktails, blue and red, respectively.
“Obama’s will be called the Kenyan,” replied Margaret. “One ounce banana liqueur, one ounce Blue Curaçao, three ounces pineapple juice.”
Frank had Romney’s: “Call it ‘the 47 Percent.’ Elijah Craig Bourbon [94 proof, 47 percent alcohol], dash of Bob’s Vanilla Bitters, and the drinks must be handed out free of charge.”
“How about this,” he looked up from his laptop. “For some therapy during the party, we need an Official Bullshit Button [$7.99 on Amazon]. A guest frustrated with the way things are going can press the red button and hear ‘Bullshit!’”
“For the gamers,” stated Patrick, “we can have Hail to the Chimp: The Presidential Party X-Box game going [$9.74 on Amazon at Discount Giant USA].”
“Or we could kick it old-school with some board games, such as Presidential Scrabble Board Game [$28.95 on Amazon], Race for the White House [$29.98 on Amazon], USAopoly Democrats vs. Republicans Stratego [$33.98 on Amazon], or Run Off: The Game of Presidential Campaigning [$21.99 on Amazon].”
“It’s starting to sound expensive,” I said.
“Then we’ll have a ‘pay your fair share’ jar,” he said.
“Let’s move on to decorations,” I suggested. “I already have the toilet paper with Obama and Romney on the sheets. [Big Mouth Toys Funny Toilet Paper: Obama, $5.50 on Amazon; Mitt Romney toilet paper, $6.75 on Amazon].”
“That’s rather potty-humored, Mrs. Kelly. I have found a Chia Romney and a Chia Obama and they’re already sprouting [$17.99 on Amazon],” he smirked, “a bit more elevated.”
“I prefer the Obama Punching Bag by Big Mouth Toys,” I admitted. “Reminds me of the Bozo the Clown of my youth — but this has Obama dressed as a boxer in a ring [54-inch punching bag, $15.53 on Amazon]. For Romney, they sell a hand puppet that punches [$24.96 on Amazon].”
“A set of bobbleheads?” wondered Patrick. (Romney and Obama bobbleheads, $18.95 each on Amazon.)
“We’ve got the kitschy decorations covered,” I said. “We need some nice stuff. I found donkey and elephant glass wine stoppers [$14.99 on Amazon].”
The next day I hit a few stores in search of more donkeys and elephants. “The world is full of elephants,” I told Patrick later. “In an afternoon of perusing stores, I didn’t find one donkey. Couldn’t we start a campaign to change the Democratic symbol to an owl or a peacock — those abound.”
Pier One is selling an eight-inch-tall brown metal elephant with a trunk that holds a tea light ($9.95) and a three-foot-tall hand-carved wooden elephant in tan and red ($69.99).
World Market offered a red stone elephant, standing two inches tall, for $5.99, and ornate clay elephants, sitting about eight inches tall, for $19.99.