Super Bowl Sunday is upon us. It’s the one time every year when gamblers come out of their closets, fling open their bedroom windows, and shout out, “Yes, neighbor. Yes, Mr. Policeman. Yes, Mr. Employer. I gamble and I’M PROUD OF IT!”
Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest sports gambling day on the calendar. According to RJ Bell, CEO of Pregame.com, $10 billion will be laid down on this year’s Super Bowl. Of that, a paltry $90 million will be wagered in legal Nevada sportsbooks.
You there, Reader, look up and take note of all the people in your office, as frightening as that may be. Or, if you’ve got the stomach, watch citizens promenade along public sidewalks. More than half of all the life forms you see — one-half of adult Americans, to be precise — will bet money on the Super Bowl.
We are a nation of lawbreakers and degenerates. There’s no getting around that, but since we’re here, the Box might as well offer assistance. I propose to take you inside a nest, a cell, a safe house, if you will, of big-time, big-money Super Bowl gamblers, live, as they weigh their bets. I don’t think this has ever been done before.
Michael in Florida is a mature man with a hard-bitten attitude toward life, dames, and the NFL. He likes to roll his own cigars, likes his bourbon neat, and has a thirst for danger. Audrey is a Northern California woman, races motorcars, motorcycles, plays drums in a Brazilian marching band, and will kick your ass, Pilgrim, for no reason at all. Richard is at an undisclosed location, runs the internet with one hand, and can take your money in six languages. Here’s what’s weird: most of this is true.
I’ve arranged a conference call so the four of us can go over our bets, brainstorm, crowd source, and multitask with pizza. After everyone grunts a greeting, we begin.
Will Kelly Clarkson’s bare belly be showing when she sings the National Anthem?
A: I’m saying no.
P: I’m saying no. The NFL loves America, they wouldn’t show a woman’s naked midriff on the back of our public airwaves.
A: She’s been losing weight, so maybe she wants to show.
P: Last call.
MinF: I’m saying, yeah, there’s going to be some midriff.
R: I’m persuaded, no midriff.
Will Madonna be wearing fishnet stockings at any point during the Super Bowl halftime show?
R: I say no, I don’t think she’s going to show any leg.
A: The girl’s going to show leg. But, I don’t know if it’s going to be fishnet leg. I mean, that girl is probably going to show crotch, for God’s sake.
MinF: Yes on crotch.
P: So, she’ll be showing crotch with fishnet stockings?
A: You know what? They are kind of popular again, so I’m going to say yes.
R: I’m going to take a no on that.
MinF: I’m no on the bet, yes on the crotch.
How many times will Giselle Bundchen be shown on TV during the game? Who in the hell is Giselle Bundchen?
A: She’s a Brazilian model and apparently she’s dating one of the football players.
R: She dates Brady.
A: Oh, my God.
MinF: Is there an over/under?
A: Is this his wife? Richard...
R: She might be his wife.
A: This is crucial. Is Giselle Tom Brady’s freaking wife?
R: I think so, yeah.
MinF: She has his babies?
P: Stop the madness. I’ll have staff research wife and babies.
A: All right, back to the bet. It’s the Super Bowl, so the girl is gonna get shown a lot.
P: The over/under is, get this, ½. I’ll take the over.
MinF: Over, over, over, over.
How many times will Andrew Luck be mentioned on TV during the game. The over/under is 1.
All hands: Over, over, over, over.
Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first — teammates, 7 to 4; coach, 12 to 1; family, 7 to 1; God, 4 to 1; owner, 4 to 1; does not thank anyone, 11 to 4?
P: My heart says, Does not thank anyone, but my head says, Teammates.