I’m busy, you’re busy, nobody wants to rip a month out of a busy life watching foreign-made sports on American TV. I’m talking about World Cup soccer, known to American sports consumers as men-in-short-shorts-fetishizing-a-pockmarked-ball-while-prancing-about-in-what-could-have-been-a-perfectly-serviceable-NFL-stadium. Still, the Box is a sports column of record, and therefore, has a duty to cover all sports...even ones favored by alien outsiders.

Not to worry, I’ve found a balance between hard-hitting sports news and meeting the news needs Sporting Box regulars demand. Think fortuitous — nay, think inspired — blending of soul-crushing responsibility and dirt-cheap technology. Think exquisite mixing of overripe tofu and bacon wrapped parfait de foie gras, of prune juice and warm Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, of wrecking-yard crankshafts and Al Jolson singing, “Is It True What They Say About Dixie?” Believe it.

So then, take a seat, settle in, and remember to pass the whiskey bottle counterclockwise. Comfortable? All right, with your kind permission I hereby present a Sporting Box world-premiere newscast, introducing — ta-dah! — the 2010 World Cup as told by tweets:

Alicia Keys: AT THE WORLD CUP GAME 1 S.A. SET IT OFF TODAY WHEWWWWWW!!!!!!

ArsenalDotCom: World Cup: Paddy Power will refund losing bets on England v USA if Rooney scores!

Posted after USA ties England 1-1:

EthicalSlut: Watched the England/USA game tonight. Sorry. All I could focus on was how fuckable the American Captain looked.

SPORTSbyBROOKS: England national telecast missed Brits 1st goal vs USA. UK bookmakers actually laid odds that it’d happen.

50cent: RT @ HYPERLINK “/DJWhooKid” DJWhooKid: Its like fcking 115 degrees in Las Vegas — damn!!!!

Posted after Germany walks over Australia 4–0:

Cococorinners: Fuck you. I hate you Germany. I never want to visit your country. I bet it’s shit.

JonahFisher: Girl in front of me is blowing vuvuzela and has earplugs in. Strikes me as rather unfair.

sugabrown29: I am naming my next child Vuvuzela.

50cent: RT @TonyYayo: Houston Get Ready!! Get ur Tickets NOW to see me @50cent and the UNIT LIVE @ the Arena Theater Tomorrow!

Posted after the Netherlands beat Denmark 2–0:

Ardiningrum: Oh. God...thanks for your bless to the Dustch team being the winner...Chayo Fifa World Cup...hahaha.

Posted during the Japan-Cameroon game:

ReneeEverett: What’s up with all those empty seats? #cmr #jpn game?

50cent: This is fire!! Its the Unit! RT @Lloydbanks: Check out my new single!! “Any Girl” Feat.

Commentary:

cboulanger: @pcarusoinc: soccer is a massive inferiority complex. Only reason rest of world “pretends” to like that garbage is because USA sucks at it.

Posted during the Paraguay-Italy contest:

angelcampo: Lets go paraguay today i go to work that sucks jeeje iam tired i need vacation.

Management announcements:

IQSPORTS: World Cup issues official healthy guidelines for soccer fans. Have no more than 1 or 2 units of alcohol twice a week and don’t get drunk.

Heartfelt commentary:

Dbfuturist42: Gearing up for my first #worldcup match. Be gentle...

CdotS12: Still not a huge fan of soccer but the World Cup is kind of #dope. I take back my World Cup tweets from before.

greatbarstoolio: What the HELL happened to Catherine Zeta-Jones’ face? Sweating profusely, can’t move her eyes, and singing about clowns. This: terrifying.

CasualHoya: GOOD GOD THIS SPORT IS SO BORING.