How the Nightly News Should Be:

Today, billions of people survived. Of our species, less than one percent was killed, raped, or burglarized. So, don’t freak out and worry about a bunch of terrifying stuff that statistically will never happen to you as long as you live. As it was, 99 percent of us went about our daily lives. Tow trucks hooked up broken-down vehicles on the freeway in Southern California. Bicycle wheels whirled around Seoul, South Korea. And quite a few people surfed off the coasts of Australia; you known, it’s summer down there, Terri.

It sure is, Dan. And speaking of summer, we’re cutting the weather segment of our program. You already know what the weather was like today, and we’re guessing that it’d be pretty boring to go over that again. It was either rainy or sunny. You either had to work outside or in an office or factory with windows, so the weather today wasn’t really a mystery. We figured the weather segment was kind of a waste of time. We’ve also canned the traffic segment. You’re already home, so who gives a damn about traffic? Nobody ever altered a route to get home because we broadcast a traffic report. It’s out. Both those segments were super boring and stupid. Back to you, Dan.

Thanks, Terri. I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you this, Terri. You’re fired. In the past few decades, news stations have stocked the roster with a lot of women and minority ethnicities to appear multicultural, but, really, nobody cares. It’s the news. All you need is one guy with a piece of paper. So, clear out your desk, Terri, and tell Consuela and Lincoln to hit the bricks too.

(Dan dons a full-face leather mask, takes off his jacket, tie, and shirt. He’s naked from the waist up, and he stands to show that he’s in leather pants with a hard protective codpiece. From sheaths at his waist, he produces two hunting knives that he brandishes menacingly.)

I AM YOUR NEWS OVERLORD NOW! My minions have already secured all entrances and exits to News Station 3, which will now be known as Information Citadel Three.

Now, phase two.

(Dan leaps over the news desk and puts one eye up to the camera.)

Like lambs...LIKE LAMBS!

Thursday, March 6

Celebrity Fit Club

TVGN 9:00 a.m.

Not a lot of people know this, but I am the fifth member of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. You know those scenes where we’re dancing in a wet warehouse? That was my idea. And the cinderblock barbell thing was all me, too. Sure, it’s tough that the other guys got all the fame, but there’s pride in knowing that I was the creative drive behind “the project.” That’s what we called it. Oh, man, we changed the world. We changed the world.

Chowder

Cartoon 8:00 p.m.

I haven’t brushed my teeth in three weeks. At first, they had this blue tinge, but now it’s definitely orange. I found a small Guatemalan child in a molar crevice yesterday. I named him Pepe; he lives in my sock drawer now.

Friday, March 7

What Not to Wear

TLC 9:00 p.m.

What sort of world do we live in where Aqua Velva is still produced and distributed on a large scale? Sure, you could make a few sales to immigrants and 12-year-old boys, but to prop up an entire brand like that, to get it distributed to grocery stores and pharmacies around the nation, there have to be a lot of people buying it. Who does that? And wouldn’t one bottle — if for some reason you ever became owner of one bottle — last you a lifetime? I’m confused on this whole Aqua Velva issue. Everything about it is baffling.

Saturday, March 8

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

FX 7:00 a.m.

Let’s say that vampire culture underwent a renaissance concerning nationalities and disabled peoples, like all Western countries did, say, back around the 1960s. Say there was a Civil Rights of Vampires Act in 1964 and Brown v. the Vampire Board of Education sometime before that. Now, all of this is true, we know it; it’s in the history books. That means somewhere out there is a retarded, wheelchair-bound Eskimo vampire in a little hockey helmet with those crooked wrists, and she snaps her fangs wildly at passersby. It warms the heart. God bless that idiot cripple vampire. God bless her.

Politically Speaking

NBC 6:00 p.m.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s hair is getting higher and darker every day. He now sports a Conway Twitty “Hello Darlin’”-era pompadour. At some point, even Lou Ferrigno’s going to take Arnold aside and in that deaf-ass yowl say, “AHHHNOOD, YOOOOUR HAIWR IS WEEDICULOUS!”

Sunday, March 9

Somebody Help Me

BET 3:30 p.m.

Damn, that was mean. The brother was born deaf; nothing he can do about it. Sorry about that, Big Lou. Thanks for taking that picture with me at Comic-Con two years ago. I SAID, SORRY ABOUT THAT, BIG LOU! THANKS FOR TAKING THAT PICTURE WITH ME AT COMIC-CON TWO YEARS... Ah, never mind. I’ll have to put all this into a puppet show so you understand. Let me get my puppets, Lou. I SAID, LET ME GET MY PUPPETS...

Monday, March 10

Intervention

A&E 8:00 p.m.

Is this the bottom? Deaf bodybuilder and retarded Eskimo vampire jokes? Just how low am I going to sink? It’s embarrassing. I meet people on the street and they know who I am and it’s damn embarrassing. They say, “Really? Really? You should be ashamed of yourself.” And I am. I am.

Tuesday, March 11

The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom

TLC 7:00 p.m.

Wow, I cannot believe something so horrendously boring is on any TV station anywhere, let alone one that touts itself as the Learning Channel. You want to teach me something, let’s start with time-machine carburetors. Time travel is just not going to work until we master the fuel mixture, and this soccer-mom thing can stay on the back burner until after we’ve conquered the fourth dimension. There, Learning Channel.

Wednesday, March 12

Ghost Hunters

Sci-Fi 8:00 p.m.

This is my third and final letter to you, executives of the Sci-Fi channel. I see that you have ignored my past requests to substitute one of your frivolous ghost-hunting shows with an actual hunt of an abominable snowman, which I can prove exists because I have some of his nose hairs and a footprint in my bathtub. You bastards, I’ll be dead by the time you get this, and only your ghost-hunting abilities could have prevented it. The Yeti now smiles at my window. IT SMILES!

Thursday, March 13

TMZ

ABC 7:30 p.m.

Here’s what I think when I watch this show. I don’t know who that is. Should I know who that is? Why should I care that he bought chicken at Vons? They keep mentioning his name, but I still don’t know who that is. I think, if anyone asks, I’m going to fake like I know who that is. I have to, there’s an entire segment on his shopping trip. Maybe he’s British, or a fashion model? I’m not sure.