Here at Tablecloth Cape Studios we strive to stay ahead of the competition. While other news outlets blather on about sunscreen, we’re going to stuff stale bread up a turkey’s chute and call it the “Holiday Edition.” Ready? Doesn’t matter.
First, you’re going to need some bread. So, get your tablecloth cape on nice and tight, and for headgear, I like to go with the classic 1960s TV series Batman cowl, the blue-gray fabric one. Some of our readers prefer the sleek style of a Lone Ranger eye mask. Your choice in the matter is personal and I don’t care, nor do I want to hear about it. Got your costume on? Nobody cares!
So, to get bread, we’re going to have to go to a neighbor’s house. Across from me lives Mrs. Gutierrez. She doesn’t speak English, and I’m pretty sure the only bread she has are those flat Mexican things made out of corn that taste like crap. Let’s skip her place and go to the marmish lesbian schoolteacher’s place. Marmish lesbian schoolteachers love bread. You can look it up on Wikipedia.
Okay, after she answers the door, I’m going to ask if I can borrow a tube of ChapStick. When she goes into the bedroom to get her phone to call the police, I’m going to run into her kitchen and steal her bread. Ready? That’s a rhetorical question.
“Hi,” I say. “I’m from across the courtyard. I’m sure you’ve seen me perched triumphantly on the ladder I keep out front on which to perch triumphantly.”
“Where are your pants?”
“Never mind that, kind citizen. What I need is ChapStick, a zucchini, and cuticle scissors! Might I borrow those items from you?”
“Katie, that weirdo is at the door.”
“I didn’t know you could stable livestock within city limits. Oh, I see. That’s your girlfr—AAAUUUAAAHGHGHG! YOU MACED ME!”
“You know you’re not supposed to come on this side of the courtyard. That’s why there’s a line painted down the middle like in that episode of The Munsters where Herman and Grandpa divided the house.”
“I hate you two! I just wanted some bread to do my holiday cooking show!”
“Get off the porch before I kick your ass. Again.”
“Tune in next week when I — ow, I just tripped on something. I can’t see.”
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
Thursday, July 31
Big Brother 10
CBS 8:00 p.m.
If vampires lived on my interest in live-in game shows such as Big Brother, the vampires could bite my neck and die (die, vampires, die!) of starvation. Would someone please (please!) rerun Manimal instead of this medium-sized stack of trash.
ABC 12:06 a.m.
I hear that weird boy with the long face and the black ponytail broke up with Jimmy Kimmel. That’s too bad; I thought they were cute together. Although, I couldn’t tell which one wore the saddle and which one wore the cowboy hat, if you know what I mean (wink).
Friday, August 1
12 Sexiest Wet and Wild Jobs
E! 8:00 p.m.
Oddly, “Television satire writer, his beard crusted with flecks of chili, his bellybutton filled with vermouth, his legs straight in the air while he cries, naked, alone, and ashamed” did not make the list. I like to think it was number 13. Next year. Next year.
American Soundtrack: Doo Wop’s Best on PBS
PBS 12:00 a.m.
Oh, yes, PBS. Doo-wop is where it’s at. Songs from 60 years ago, featuring nonsense and peppered with morality lessons for teenagers, that’s the good stuff. And don’t pretend that because it’s on at midnight you can wave off relevance. You know how relevant doo-wop is, PBS? I could write a puppet show about my extra elbow skin and it’d be more pertinent than doo-wop. Put that on at midnight, PBS. (STUPID PBS!)
Saturday, August 2
ESPN 6:00 p.m.
THE EXTREME SPORTS SHOW GAMES OF EXTREMENESS!!!!!!! WATCH GROWN MEN RIDE TINY WOODEN CHILDREN’S TOYS TO GET THE FULL EXTREMETY OF THESE EXTREME GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU DON’T TUNE IN, I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE HYPOTHALAMUS!!!!! THAT’S HOW EXTREME I AM!!!! OH!!!
Sunday, August 3
NBC 8:00 p.m.
Bringing you the spandexed camel toe of overweight computer enthusiasts since 1970: it’s Comic-Con. Set your calculator watch alarm, squeeze your strangely flat ham hocks into a little girl’s unitard, and ride your Segway on down. We’ll keep a slice of pepperoni extra cheese semi-warm for you. Yes, folks. It’s Comic-Con. Woo.
Monday, August 4
Teen Choice Awards 2008
CW 8:00 p.m.
What I want to watch is the Senior Citizens Choice Awards. I can see the white-haired knuckles holding up “Polident #1” signs and I can hear the shouts of “Pat Boone! Pat Boone! Wait. I’m lost. Why is my zipper down? Pat Boone!”
Tuesday, August 5
FOX 9:00 p.m.
Continuing the Animal Reaper series, we come to the “Baboon Grim Reaper.” Wow, a grim reaper baboon would be pants-pissing scary. They have those fangs, those big stinky pink butts, and it’d be in a black robe and carrying a sharp farm implement. EEEEEEE! I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. STAY OUT OF MY BEDROOM, GRIM REAPER BABOON! STAY OUT!
Wednesday, August 6
Law & Order
TNT 8:30 p.m.
Law & Order will be the crowning achievement of the Bush administration. When construction, technology, and manufacturing jobs took a big hit, strategic tax cuts to Law & Order-related television shows added thousands of service jobs, making Law & Order one of the largest industries in the nation. One out of three Americans now works in a Law & Order TV show field of employment. Thank you, George W. Bush! I love the 2000s.
Thursday, August 7
USA 7:30 p.m.
A thousand years ago, ol’ Ben Franklin dug a pit and put all his Lucky Charms in and then covered it up and patted it down, and now Nicholas Cage’s bald spot and gross old-man knuckles race against the clock to find it. Gross. Knuckles. Bald spot. I’m not making any of this up. You just have to watch.