Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

These Will Kill You

I was invited to several Super Bowl parties. I didn't plan on going to any this year -- I had money on the Colts and wanted to watch the game at home -- but I ended up going to three. The first was a Clairemont party that would start at noon, and I figured I could go until 3 p.m., hit the next party in North Park for kick-off, and then head up to Poway, missing a Prince song or two at halftime.

I found a parking spot close to Bryan's house. His wife, Victoria, said, "Well, you're early. Most people aren't showing up for a while." They had a blackjack/craps table set up in the living room and several TVs, including one in the bathroom. In the garage they set up a projector, an old-fashioned popcorn machine, and several chairs. The backyard had TVs, a Jacuzzi, a cot, and a refrigerator. I told Victoria that I thought they had a perfect house for a party. "Yeah, we don't have kids, so we turned one of the bedrooms into a huge walk-in closet. We're probably going to sell this place, though, and we'll be listing it as a bedroom, not a closet." Someone who overheard her said, "I can't believe there won't be any more parties here." Turned out Victoria got a job offer in Pennsylvania.

Standing outside in the sunshine, I pointed to the sky and said, "You won't have this back East in the winter." She said, "Yeah, I know." I asked if her husband was cool with the move, and she said he was, but that for his job, the closest he could transfer was Ohio. Victoria's been working in Pennsylvania for the past year and flew back to be here for the Super Bowl party.

One guy yelled, "I'm going to Albertson's. Does anyone need anything?" His friend said, "Not now." He replied, "Oh, okay. Well, when you need something, I'll go back."

Sponsored
Sponsored

I met a guy wearing a Chargers jersey, and we talked about the Foley case. A few people had relatives who were cops. We all agreed that the cop made mistakes, but that Foley's "mistakes" -- driving drunk and approaching a guy with a gun -- were bigger. One lady suggested that the cop should have shot Foley in the leg, and a guy said, "Cops are taught to shoot to kill when they fire their weapons."

I lit up a cigar, and a guy named Wayne came over and asked what kind it was. "Well, I'd rather not say. It only cost a buck. It's a cheap stogie." He said, "I have some good cigars in the trunk of my car. What do you like better? Cubans or Dominicans?" I said, "I prefer Dominicans. I don't think Cubans are as good as they were 25 years ago." A lady said, "Aren't Cuban cigars illegal?" Wayne said, "They're illegal to bring into the country, but not to have." The woman looked confused as she walked away. He said, "I'll be right back."

I went over to a table that held chips and dips. One was delicious but spicy. As my mouth burned, someone told me, "This guy came over and put a whole can of jalapeños in there. It's kinda spicy." I tried the other dip, which turned out to be a bowl of refried beans.

Wayne came back with a miniature humidor and opened it. I picked out a Fuente. He cut it for me and said, "This is great. People get mad when I smoke these. They complain about the smell. Now that you're smoking one with me, there's someone else to blame."

While we watched the Super Bowl preshows, which I think had been going since Tuesday, Wayne told me about traveling for his job. He told me that he'd seen cigars overseas with labels that read, "These will kill you." He told me that there are cigarettes in France that taste like cigars.

I met a woman named Resa who told me that she teaches classes for women who want to learn how to lap dance and do striptease for their men. I thought that stuff was self-explanatory, but Resa explained the different aspects of her class and how it helps women build confidence. I wanted to say "Let's have a demonstration," but I didn't have enough courage, or alcohol.

One guy who had had enough beer stood in front of the TV while people yelled at him to move, held up his can of Colt 45, and said, "Guess what team I'm rooting for?"

I noticed there were many football jerseys at the party. I counted two, and neither of them were one of the teams playing in the Super Bowl. One woman wore a T-shirt that read, "I have no clue who is playing in the Super Bowl."

I met a guy wearing an ultimate-fighting shirt and asked him if he watched the fights the previous night. He said that he didn't but that he used to be a fighter. His name was Joshua. He told me, "I got a salary of $1500 a month during the season and a percentage of the prize money." I asked him if he had a good fight story. "I'll tell you about one of the times I was knocked unconscious. I was fighting in China. I just saw this thigh coming at me. When I woke up, I thought my mouth was filled with water. Sometimes my trainer would pour water on me. When I spit it out, it was all blood and teeth. All my teeth are fake." He showed me his teeth and told me that he can bite through metal with them. As he left to find something to demonstrate this, I said to his girlfriend, "He's like a James Bond villain."

While we waited for Joshua, we met a guy who told us that this was the first party he'd been to in a while. He had been banned from parties for getting too drunk and acting wild. Then Joshua came back with a beer bottle, opened it with his teeth, and chewed the cap into a tiny ball.

When I saw a guy grilling skewers, I said to him, "You're missing the game." He said, "Yeah, I know." Another guy overheard us and said, "I'm recording it at home so I can watch the commercials. You can never hear them at parties."

Having missed going to the next Super Bowl party before the game started, I decided I had better head out. As I was leaving, I ran into the ultimate fighter who was also leaving. I said to him, "If you ever lock your keys in the car, you could just bite off the door handle." His girlfriend laughed. Then I saw the guy who told me he was banned from previous parties getting into his car. I said, "I sure hope you weren't thrown out and that you're leaving on your own accord." He said, "Leaving in an Accord... This is a Corvette."

Crash your party? Call 619-235-3000 x421 and leave an invitation for Josh Board.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

India Hawthorne is common in coastal gardens, Citrus trees are in full bloom

The vernal equinox is on March 19

I was invited to several Super Bowl parties. I didn't plan on going to any this year -- I had money on the Colts and wanted to watch the game at home -- but I ended up going to three. The first was a Clairemont party that would start at noon, and I figured I could go until 3 p.m., hit the next party in North Park for kick-off, and then head up to Poway, missing a Prince song or two at halftime.

I found a parking spot close to Bryan's house. His wife, Victoria, said, "Well, you're early. Most people aren't showing up for a while." They had a blackjack/craps table set up in the living room and several TVs, including one in the bathroom. In the garage they set up a projector, an old-fashioned popcorn machine, and several chairs. The backyard had TVs, a Jacuzzi, a cot, and a refrigerator. I told Victoria that I thought they had a perfect house for a party. "Yeah, we don't have kids, so we turned one of the bedrooms into a huge walk-in closet. We're probably going to sell this place, though, and we'll be listing it as a bedroom, not a closet." Someone who overheard her said, "I can't believe there won't be any more parties here." Turned out Victoria got a job offer in Pennsylvania.

Standing outside in the sunshine, I pointed to the sky and said, "You won't have this back East in the winter." She said, "Yeah, I know." I asked if her husband was cool with the move, and she said he was, but that for his job, the closest he could transfer was Ohio. Victoria's been working in Pennsylvania for the past year and flew back to be here for the Super Bowl party.

One guy yelled, "I'm going to Albertson's. Does anyone need anything?" His friend said, "Not now." He replied, "Oh, okay. Well, when you need something, I'll go back."

Sponsored
Sponsored

I met a guy wearing a Chargers jersey, and we talked about the Foley case. A few people had relatives who were cops. We all agreed that the cop made mistakes, but that Foley's "mistakes" -- driving drunk and approaching a guy with a gun -- were bigger. One lady suggested that the cop should have shot Foley in the leg, and a guy said, "Cops are taught to shoot to kill when they fire their weapons."

I lit up a cigar, and a guy named Wayne came over and asked what kind it was. "Well, I'd rather not say. It only cost a buck. It's a cheap stogie." He said, "I have some good cigars in the trunk of my car. What do you like better? Cubans or Dominicans?" I said, "I prefer Dominicans. I don't think Cubans are as good as they were 25 years ago." A lady said, "Aren't Cuban cigars illegal?" Wayne said, "They're illegal to bring into the country, but not to have." The woman looked confused as she walked away. He said, "I'll be right back."

I went over to a table that held chips and dips. One was delicious but spicy. As my mouth burned, someone told me, "This guy came over and put a whole can of jalapeños in there. It's kinda spicy." I tried the other dip, which turned out to be a bowl of refried beans.

Wayne came back with a miniature humidor and opened it. I picked out a Fuente. He cut it for me and said, "This is great. People get mad when I smoke these. They complain about the smell. Now that you're smoking one with me, there's someone else to blame."

While we watched the Super Bowl preshows, which I think had been going since Tuesday, Wayne told me about traveling for his job. He told me that he'd seen cigars overseas with labels that read, "These will kill you." He told me that there are cigarettes in France that taste like cigars.

I met a woman named Resa who told me that she teaches classes for women who want to learn how to lap dance and do striptease for their men. I thought that stuff was self-explanatory, but Resa explained the different aspects of her class and how it helps women build confidence. I wanted to say "Let's have a demonstration," but I didn't have enough courage, or alcohol.

One guy who had had enough beer stood in front of the TV while people yelled at him to move, held up his can of Colt 45, and said, "Guess what team I'm rooting for?"

I noticed there were many football jerseys at the party. I counted two, and neither of them were one of the teams playing in the Super Bowl. One woman wore a T-shirt that read, "I have no clue who is playing in the Super Bowl."

I met a guy wearing an ultimate-fighting shirt and asked him if he watched the fights the previous night. He said that he didn't but that he used to be a fighter. His name was Joshua. He told me, "I got a salary of $1500 a month during the season and a percentage of the prize money." I asked him if he had a good fight story. "I'll tell you about one of the times I was knocked unconscious. I was fighting in China. I just saw this thigh coming at me. When I woke up, I thought my mouth was filled with water. Sometimes my trainer would pour water on me. When I spit it out, it was all blood and teeth. All my teeth are fake." He showed me his teeth and told me that he can bite through metal with them. As he left to find something to demonstrate this, I said to his girlfriend, "He's like a James Bond villain."

While we waited for Joshua, we met a guy who told us that this was the first party he'd been to in a while. He had been banned from parties for getting too drunk and acting wild. Then Joshua came back with a beer bottle, opened it with his teeth, and chewed the cap into a tiny ball.

When I saw a guy grilling skewers, I said to him, "You're missing the game." He said, "Yeah, I know." Another guy overheard us and said, "I'm recording it at home so I can watch the commercials. You can never hear them at parties."

Having missed going to the next Super Bowl party before the game started, I decided I had better head out. As I was leaving, I ran into the ultimate fighter who was also leaving. I said to him, "If you ever lock your keys in the car, you could just bite off the door handle." His girlfriend laughed. Then I saw the guy who told me he was banned from previous parties getting into his car. I said, "I sure hope you weren't thrown out and that you're leaving on your own accord." He said, "Leaving in an Accord... This is a Corvette."

Crash your party? Call 619-235-3000 x421 and leave an invitation for Josh Board.

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Pet pig perches in pocket

Escondido doula gets a taste of celebrity
Next Article

India Hawthorne is common in coastal gardens, Citrus trees are in full bloom

The vernal equinox is on March 19
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.