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"Dalmatian Wink" Budweiser A shop owner and larger, stronger male dog chase a scruffy white dog from neighborhood to neighborhood. He sees a dalmatian in a parade, gets splashed until he's spotted with grime, and jumps on the float. The final shot is the scruffy white dog being held by a beauty queen. Here it is. Budweiser understands what Bud Light doesn't. Alcohol gives you the strength when you've been kicked around by life and business, when you've got no self-worth. Alcohol is there when you can't possibly cope. Alcohol is there and always will be. Beauty queens guaranteed. Rating: Thumb up in salute, clutching a bottle of beer; my other hand gently wipes away my tears.

"Garmin Godzilla" Garmin An unruly roadmap grows into a terrifying monster. A man with a GPS receiver on his dash transforms into a silver-outfitted superhero and battles the Godzilla-style map beast. I like the tacit connection to Japan and the understanding that the Japanese are better than us at technological advances and cheesy, rubber-suit, mutant horror movies. Rating: Go go GPS man super happy fun time and good luck gadget!

"GM Quality" General Motors After it drops a bolt while assembling a car, a yellow robot arm is put out on the street in an attempt to convey GM's commitment to quality manufacturing. The robot then commits suicide by jumping off a bridge, only to wake up back at its rightful place on the line. It was only dreaming. This is the direction I want all things to progress toward: sentient discarded robots. Yes. I will collect all the robot arms that have been displaced. Then phase two of my plan to take over the world. Rating: Three little robotic fingers held high in an allegiant salute to me!

"Pride" Lions Gate Films To prove to white rivals that they're good enough -- no, better! -- a team of inner-city youths rallies around a swim coach. Oh, no. I'm not touching this one. I already get a lot of hate mail. No comment. Rating: The two hands of Joe Frazier on Battle of the Network Stars , splashing, pawing, and clawing but going nowhere.

"Connectile Dysfunction" Sprint In a stunning turn of playing on men's insecurities instead of women's, Sprint equates Internet connectivity with male potency. I'm ambivalent about this commercial. On one hand, I want to congratulate Sprint on turning the tables and instead of creating a feeling of inadequacy in women about their looks, they've found a way to do it to men. Well played. On the other hand, I'd like to beat the ad executive into next Christmas and blame it on suppressed performance anxiety and rage. Rating: Right here, Sprint. Right here.

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