Here's the guts of it. Super Bowl XXXIX is hours away, and Janet Jackson's right breast is unaccounted for. I have warned the NFL by fax and by phone. I have called the Jacksonville police, the Jacksonville mayor's office, the 125th Fighter Wing of the Florida Air National Guard, and Jacksonville's Prime F. Osborn III Convention Center, where 3500 members of the accredited media have gathered to watch a football game on convention-center TVs. I talked to a Latin man. He claimed to have no recollection of Ms. Jackson's breast.
A Google search, Janet Jackson, returned 173,000 pages. However, a Google search, Janet Jackson, where is her right breast? returned zero pages.
What this means to you. Ms. Jackson's right breast is at large, possibly armed, its location and intent are unknown.
I am prepared to work through the night on this. I needn't remind you that this is the breast that brought America to her knees, the breast that launched congressional investigations, lawsuits, a rack of new laws, a walk-in closet of new regulations. This is the breast that put live TV on a five-second delay (Oscars, Grammys, NBC sports, Monday Night Football); cost Viacom $550,000; caused News Corp to change -- this is not a joke -- the name of its cable sports show, The Best Damn Sport Show Period, to The Best Darn Super Bowl Road Show Period so that bag of vacuous prattle might be broadcast over the Fox network during its Super Bowl pregame marathon.
First things first. Where is Jackson's breast today? Is it casing the seedy bars and back alleys of Jacksonville, perhaps as we speak, planning another attack, this time without a nipple guard?
Better telephone Terri Carlin of Knoxville, Tennessee. Last year, immediately after Jackson's right breast sucker-punched a tranquil nation on, I might add, a Sunday afternoon, Ms. Carlin caused a proposed class-action lawsuit to be filed "on behalf of all Americans" who were watching the game. Carlin's brief noted Jackson's "sexually explicit conduct" and added, "Defendants knew or should have known that the standing and credibility of Americans in the world would be harmed as a result of the defendants' self-indulgent and self-serving acts," which caused the American volk to "suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment, and serious injury." Defendants in the suit were Jackson's breast and other body parts, Justin Timberlake, CBS, MTV, and Viacom. Carlin asked for compensatory and punitive damages, although generously she placed a lid on her demands, claiming no more than "the gross revenues of all defendants for the past three years."
I reached Carlin at her home in Tennessee. Dinnertime. I greeted her pleasantly, mentioned my name, mentioned the name of the publication I work for, allowed a moment for the magnitude of those two revelations to settle in, and said, in a friendly but authoritative voice, "Well, it's Super Bowl time again. Ha, ha, ha."
"I don't want to talk about it," Carlin said, adding, "I do appreciate the call," and then hung up.
They've gotten to her!
Onto the official Janet Jackson website, www.janetjackson.com, in search of clues. I'm greeted by a picture of a nude Jackson, although it's important to point out that the naked slut was turned sideways and her arms were folded across her chest, thereby causing many innocent visitors to overlook the fact that her right breast is not visible, which means this website cannot be used as an alibi. A link took me over to the Miss Janet Fan Club site. I was invited to join said organization and promised that if I did I could Access Online Members-Only Area which includes: Scheduled chat room sessions with Janet. Video Messages/Greetings from Janet. Win cool prizes through our fan club only contests. Exclusive Downloads. Discounts on official Janet merchandise. Ability to upload your own photos or artwork for all to see.
I joined, only $22, and left an electronic message advising Ms. Jackson to call me before she did anything stupid. Moved on to the next site: Photo Stills of Janet Jackson's Breasts During Super Bowl Halftime Show. Video Clips of Janet Jackson's Titties During Super Bowl Halftime Show. Rent Adult Movies.
"To increase your chances of reaching me, you can call my cell phone," says the voice of Melissa Caldwell, director of research and publications, Parents Television Council. Eager to increase my chances, I dialed the cellular number and received recorded blah.
When it comes to Janet's right breast, Parents Television Council counted coup, claiming their members lodged over 125,000 complaints to the FCC. It goes like this: The FCC issued $7.7 million in fines during 2004 vs. $48,000 in fines during 2000. The agency received 1.1 million complaints in 2004 vs. 110 complaints in 2000. Other than the 2004 Super Bowl, 99.9 percent of the complaints have come from Parents Television Council. And yet, the clock ticks, Janet Jackson's right breast, hungry now, prowls Jacksonville, and Melissa Caldwell won't answer her precious cell telephone