FOX 6, 7:30 p.m.
My father wanders around, waters the lawn, and does dishes while he watches TV. He can't stand anything that requires his attention. He just likes to walk through the front room and see someone fall or glue themselves to a table or something equally stupid. Consequently, Seinfeld was banned in my household during its original run from the mid-'80s to the mid-'90s. If I tried to watch it, Dad would come in from outside and change the channel, saying only, "This is a terrible show. All they do is talk," as he turned around and headed back out to the garage. I'm trying to catch up so I can hold my own when the conversation inevitably turns to, "Do you remember, on that one Seinfeld..."
Tuesday, December 28
COMEDY 48, 8:00 p.m.
It really isn't an effort to be the least-funny channel in history; it just seems that way. Comedy Central's executive officers were on a yacht in the South Pacific sometime last year when the head honcho said, "I don't want to eat lobster exclusively, but I want it at every meal. Maybe lobster and eggs for breakfast, then a lobster salad, and steak and lobster for dinner, every day. I want a diamond-studded lobster for my wall, and one for my lawn. Now, you fellas are going to get me there."
"I've got it!" shouted a VP. "We'll just buy shitty sketch comedies that other networks don't want and rerun them constantly. We don't have to pay for new product development, and we'll charge the same for commercials, now that everyone watches us for South Park and The Daily Show."
"Oh, ho, ho. Martin, you've just won yourself a Tiffany lobster lamp for your Christmas bonus."
Wednesday, December 29
DSC 35, 9:00 p.m.
Quickly running out of myths to debunk, the crew of this program has resorted to just making shit up. What was once the simple, straightforward Pepsi and Pop Rocks controversy is now an elaborate scheme involving goldfish and trombones that no one has ever heard of.
Thursday, December 30
The Birdcage (1996)
BRAVO 42, 8:00 p.m.
Now that the reality TV season has wound down and we're between holidays, the big networks are going to run a lot of crap marathons. Joey, CSI, The O.C., and whatever other unwatchable drivel they've barely stitched together. Rebel. Watch something good.