Matthew Lickona 1 p.m., Aug. 26
Here's what you need to know: inside each of us is a miracle meant for just one person. The limber universe, which loves us all equally, bends over backwards for each and every one of us, and in so doing, reaches down to help us fulfill our destiny, which is to become a star in the heavens after we've done our good deed here on earth. But for some reason, there are agents of chaos in this benevolent universe, namely, chief demon of New York City Pearly Soames (Russell Crowe, bloated from munching all that scenery). Soames works for Lucifer, aka Will Smith with earrings. Pearly wants to kill his former (human) protege Peter (Colin Farrell) before he can accomplish his miracle. And Peter is in love with the consumptive Beverly (Jessica Brown Findlay). Also in the mix: Jennifer Connelly, William Hurt, Eva Marie Saint, and more. Possibly the greatest cast ever assembled for a completely ridiculous movie featuring a horse with wings made of light. 2014.