for so many years i was Crusader Rabbit

i put away my Crusader cloak and found i was still in some cases trying to be Rescue Rabbit

just a more peaceful "wolf in sheep's clothing"

perhaps soon i will complete my last

"Rescue Chore"

now it's yours Universe and only yours for good reasons

but to really be pure in thought about the outcome of my many interventions i must not attach myself to the outcome anymore

this last year has attached me to many around me

my sister whose schizophrenic episodes have come and gone with no help or hindrance from me

I'm so well versed on the particulars of the disease

but i pandered to myself in thinking my actions could have a possibility of positive impact

"dig into the horse sh*t as if there must be a pony there"

my "magical thinking" prevalence had been a lesson never learn adequately before

so newer and more important relevant information has been garnered

but the self imposed swim in Chaos has been tough and many times disappointing

as it should be

because the promptings of Universe come with a warning

THIS IS A LESSON TO BROADEN YOUR ABILITY TO SEE CLEARLY

NOT NECESSARILY A CONCLUSION MAKING RITUAL

looking outward must be balanced with looking inward

i tell myself that often

whenever i mentally start to create a future that may never be

the heart is a lonely hunter

it often scouts ahead and brings back magical information that may not hold water

of course i don't want my balloon burst

who would??

my "Suspend Disbelief" persona works both for me and against me

i think one of my most important lessons was when T told me he was lost in a stormy sea due to his health and that i couldn't always be a sea anchor of laughter and good feelings

i accepted his bell buoy warning

and decided to just try to weather the storm with him and deal with the wave tossed environment as best as i could

it was a harrying experience

fraught with extraordinary highs and lows

sometimes i think the only thing that came out of it is that once again i proved to myself that i am loyal and where love is concerned i stick

i think T treasured that about me for that 15 months i spent with him

i know that as Bobby's Alzheimer's gets worse the emptiness i feel will be overwhelming in many ways...

he won't remember Rescue Rabbit

and only day to day grace will sustain me

many years ago when Bobby started on the horrid road to complete emptiness i started these conversations with myself

and thankfully because our daily conversation of any consequence sometimes don't exist anymore

altho I've tried to reach out with maturity here...my success i sometimes think is underwhelming

i bought a beautiful Autumn Quilt for someone yesterday...acorns leaves..mittens...ice skates..a welcoming to an all seasonal friend...now if only it had reindeer sox on it... it would be complete

i miss my "sox sown together" with T

and i still haven't taken out all the thread of that relationship

but i will

~DARSHAN~