Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

In Case Of Continued Irritation, Discontinue Use


Junior High School was a zoo. I hated it. I remember gym class, it was the first time I met Todd Dice. Hi, Todd. Amazing we grew up and continue to live after that debacle. Remember the gym teacher’s a-hole-ish rant? Deas, Dice, Dodd. Like we needed that. I had a crush on Tony Deas’ sister, but I reckon that was obvious. Her name was Margaret. She refused to go to the 8th grade dance with me. I loved what you wrote in my yearbook, by the way. I can’t repeat in here, I’d get censored. But I love you, man, it was great advice. I gave that advice to my son when he graduated high school. He took me up on it a few years later. My grandson is living proof of that.

So anyway, the greatest piece of advice, the most stoic and relevant statement philosophically, can be found on a can of deodorant. I discovered this in junior high school, I think I was twelve. I didn’t think about it much back then, I was far too concerned with breasts and marijuana and big giant jocks with more pubic hair than I had. I think I read the words on that can of deodorant because I was too afraid of stepping into the shower with Mike Adams. Mike always treated me well, but holy crap, the guy was a jock before I ever understood what that meant. Mike Adams had hair on his chest before he was thirteen years old. Holy hell, what a Goddamn nightmare.

Todd and me, and even Tony, well, I imagine that we just read the words on the cans of our deodorant and waited for the showers to clear out. What else could we do, Todd? What else could we do? We all dreamed of screwing girls, but lacked the prerequisite pubic hair. We should’ve rented some loaner stuff from Mike. I sure as hell hope that Mike’s okay these days. He’s probably bald if he is, but I bet he had great stories to tell in high school.

* *

This is what the can of deodorant had printed on its backside, the most relevant philosophical verbiage you’ll ever read to this day. I promise, if you follow these words, you’ll gain a boatload of wisdom. It took me up until I was thirty-something to understand this. Hope you will do so at a younger age. This is it, sit down, have a seat, think about this:

“In Case of Continued Irritation, Discontinue Use”

Man, that would’ve saved me a couple of years off of my first marriage, a considerable amount of wasted time from previous employment, and a few wasted tax returns. Now that I’m almost fifty, it leads me to say goodbye to publications that print horsecrap lies. It’s taken me a while to process this great advice, but now that I have, I can easily kick to the curb any publication that prints untruths about where I live.

I walk out of my house, and I don’t get shot at. I realize that you won’t read that about Tijuana. After all, it’s a Goddamn war zone here. Plus, I certainly have to kick she-male hookers to the curb whenever I leave my house to buy a pack of smokes and a liter of tequila. And of course, all of our children have lice here. And when we get pulled over for a simple traffic violation, it’s two days in jail and a thousand dollars.

* *

I will take the advice of that deodorant and no longer contribute here. I will not write a story about how I can’t buy a passport. I will not write a story about how otherwise, life is swell here. No one wants to read that. It’s all about prostitutes and prison and lice. Go screw yourselves. Stay out of my country, please. I’ll write somewhere else. I'll write where people want the truth.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

SDSU pres gets highest pay raise in state over last 15 years

Union-Tribune still stiffing downtown San Diego landlord?
Next Article

San Diego Reader 2024 Music & Arts Issue

Favorite fakers: Baby Bushka, Fleetwood Max, Electric Waste Band, Oceans, Geezer – plus upcoming tribute schedule


Junior High School was a zoo. I hated it. I remember gym class, it was the first time I met Todd Dice. Hi, Todd. Amazing we grew up and continue to live after that debacle. Remember the gym teacher’s a-hole-ish rant? Deas, Dice, Dodd. Like we needed that. I had a crush on Tony Deas’ sister, but I reckon that was obvious. Her name was Margaret. She refused to go to the 8th grade dance with me. I loved what you wrote in my yearbook, by the way. I can’t repeat in here, I’d get censored. But I love you, man, it was great advice. I gave that advice to my son when he graduated high school. He took me up on it a few years later. My grandson is living proof of that.

So anyway, the greatest piece of advice, the most stoic and relevant statement philosophically, can be found on a can of deodorant. I discovered this in junior high school, I think I was twelve. I didn’t think about it much back then, I was far too concerned with breasts and marijuana and big giant jocks with more pubic hair than I had. I think I read the words on that can of deodorant because I was too afraid of stepping into the shower with Mike Adams. Mike always treated me well, but holy crap, the guy was a jock before I ever understood what that meant. Mike Adams had hair on his chest before he was thirteen years old. Holy hell, what a Goddamn nightmare.

Todd and me, and even Tony, well, I imagine that we just read the words on the cans of our deodorant and waited for the showers to clear out. What else could we do, Todd? What else could we do? We all dreamed of screwing girls, but lacked the prerequisite pubic hair. We should’ve rented some loaner stuff from Mike. I sure as hell hope that Mike’s okay these days. He’s probably bald if he is, but I bet he had great stories to tell in high school.

* *

This is what the can of deodorant had printed on its backside, the most relevant philosophical verbiage you’ll ever read to this day. I promise, if you follow these words, you’ll gain a boatload of wisdom. It took me up until I was thirty-something to understand this. Hope you will do so at a younger age. This is it, sit down, have a seat, think about this:

“In Case of Continued Irritation, Discontinue Use”

Man, that would’ve saved me a couple of years off of my first marriage, a considerable amount of wasted time from previous employment, and a few wasted tax returns. Now that I’m almost fifty, it leads me to say goodbye to publications that print horsecrap lies. It’s taken me a while to process this great advice, but now that I have, I can easily kick to the curb any publication that prints untruths about where I live.

I walk out of my house, and I don’t get shot at. I realize that you won’t read that about Tijuana. After all, it’s a Goddamn war zone here. Plus, I certainly have to kick she-male hookers to the curb whenever I leave my house to buy a pack of smokes and a liter of tequila. And of course, all of our children have lice here. And when we get pulled over for a simple traffic violation, it’s two days in jail and a thousand dollars.

* *

I will take the advice of that deodorant and no longer contribute here. I will not write a story about how I can’t buy a passport. I will not write a story about how otherwise, life is swell here. No one wants to read that. It’s all about prostitutes and prison and lice. Go screw yourselves. Stay out of my country, please. I’ll write somewhere else. I'll write where people want the truth.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.