Emergency SWAT team unable to respond to threat of hungry Tyrannosaur: "Under current Strong Mayor guidelines, we have to await the mayor's green light before taking action, and he just wasn't reachable during his counseling."

Distraught dad of digested daughter: "I certainly hope Mayor Filner's behavioral therapy sessions prove fruitful and he returns to work a changed man. Then maybe my child's brutal death in the jaws of a supposedly extinct species will have some …

Debauched monarch vows to return "a better man, a better ruler, and most importantly, a better lover. When I come back, I'll be so smooth that they won't even know they were harassed."

Pictured: Tibobius in his island retreat, preparing to receive instruction that will improve his game. Neil Strauss, noted author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists flown to Capri for intensive therapy sessions. "Everything with Tibobius's is …

Microphone failure clear indication of Divine Will

"Lord, let your public servant go in peace..."

Sentient symbiotic organism breaks silence, comes forward with story of "inappropriate touching" and "degrading comments."

"Of course, I realized that my testimony would likely be seen as suspect, given my close relationship with City Attorney [and Filner foe] Jan Goldsmith," said the hair-shaped organism at a closed City Council session today. "But now that I've …

Normally inanimate object comes forward with story of Mayoral misbehavior

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/26/50097/

Attorney for woman bringing sexual harassment suit against Bob Filner comes forward with story of her own.

This is getting ridiculous. "As I made clear in my initial press conference," says Gloria Allred, attorney for Irene McCormack Jackson, Bob Filner's former communications director and the first woman to come forward with specific charges of sexual harassment on …

"I need help. I make terrible jokes all the time."

On July 14, the Reader's website published a transcribed account of a UT-TV Prime Time with Taylor Baldwin segment in which she recalled an encounter with Mayor Bob Filner: “He loves women. He made that apparent to me the moment …

Former Secretary of Homeland Security makes first statement since confirmation as new head of UC system

"Who knows which young person at a UC school might be working on the next PRISM right now? I sure don't - but I will!" http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/24/50019/ New UC Magistrix Napolitano DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE GEISEL BUNKER, ER, LIBRARY …

Did we say visit? Hell, they run the place!

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/24/50005/

Papa Doug: "Hugh who?"

Local mogul indulges fondness for failing print media properties, also promises string of Playboy hotels nationwide. http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/24/50004/ "I showed up too late to bid for the Boston Globe," says Doug Manchester, smiling ruefully. "But that's only because I was up …

The Mayor San Diego deserves. A Mayor you can believe in. A Mayor who is not afraid to tell the truth, even if he has to make stuff up to do it.

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/22/49869/

"You can watch Jersey Joe jerk it, or you can see something you actually wanna see."

Jersey Joe, owner of Jersey Joe's Pizza in the College area, was recently caught masturbating in the kitchen of his restaurant when 4Chan hacked into his unsecured camera feed. (For the record, Joe denies that it's him in the video.) …

"I'm all about using the Mayor's signature headlock to humiliate the opposition," says Storm, "but Filner was using it on his own team. That's cold."

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/22/49867/

Outraged opponents mail over 3000 pairs of ladies' undergarments to Mayor in response to Irene McCormack Jackson's allegation that he suggested she work "without panties."

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/22/49866/

"...which is probably why Bob Filner took a trip there!"

"I mean, we don't know, because the Mayor isn't talking about it. But we're talking about it. Oh yes, we are talking about it. And we'll keep talking about it until San Diego can get its government running again. Which …

"Who gives a crap about roads and water and garbage like that when there are groped breasts and tongued throats to be considered?"

PRESS CONFERENCE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW - "Our taxpayers deserve a City Council that can do its work without having to constantly think and talk about sexy sex sexual sex harrassment, with all its sexy sexiness. MY GOD THERE IS SO …

Convention organizers: "We must never have a repeat of 2012's Saturday Stampede. These seemingly harmless creatures can turn deadly under the wrong conditions."

HIGH UP ON THE G4 GEEK CENTRAL PLATFORM, LOOKING DOWN AT THE SWARMING MASS OF SUBHUMANITY BELOW — "For years, the average fanboy or girl attending the Con was mostly placid and gentle, despite its intimidating size," says Comic-Con Traffic …

"Of course, here at Cheetah's Totally Nude, we do better because we work without panties on, just like the Mayor said."

As details from the sexual harassment allegations against Mayor Bob Filner continue to spill out, at least one local business is making sure that the whole sticky mess doesn't distract from the business at hand. "In fact," says Cheetah's owner …

Former Democratic Congressman, disgraced after sending explicit text pics, says he regrets resigning in 2011, praises Filner's "firm grip" on his office.

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/15/49160/ "Looking back," says Weiner, "I can see that my resignation was a selfish act. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my actions, and I wanted to get out of the public eye and away from the media spotlight. But …

Apple blames latest mistake on faulty map app's interactivity with Apple iNews app

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/15/49155/ San Diego's downtown - that's the train station in the lower left quadrant - clearly mislabeled. Apple CEO Tim Cook: "Every day and in every way, we are working to make Apple Maps a more satisfying, informational user experience. …

"Quite frankly, we find the resemblance a bit uncanny."

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/15/49142/ Alfred E. who, man?

"This lil' pussy just won't quit, and neither should you!" reads former President's inscription

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/15/49139/ Still no word, however, from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

These things happen

Statement from U-T San Diego Chief Copyeditor Ti Po: "U-T San Diego remains committed to quality, objective journalism. Sexual harassment is no laughing matter. We regret the error...that Bob Filner made." http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/12/49075/

"Saying 'sorry' isn't enough," said Donafria at a press conference today in which she repeated her call for the Mayor to step down. "He must be punished, because he is guilty. I know that no charges have been brought, that …

The power of Strong Mayor is simply too much for some men.

Yesterday, Emperor, er, Mayor Filner issued a video apology to the City of San Diego for his "inappropriate and wrong" behavior towards women who work both for him and with him. "I have diminished the office to which you elected …

Emperor Filner's beloved First Lady of San Diego deserts him, citing "devolvement in personal relationship" and "knowing which way the wind is blowing."

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/11/48999/

Warning: not for the squeamish.

The following photo was delivered to the offices of SD on the QT by a man who would identify himself only as a Friend of Carl. Confirmations are still pending, but the scene appears to depict: http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/11/48996/ Emperor Filner (1.) …

Local fast-food exec vows to remodel North Park restaurant without "traveling down the Sunroad and dropping off a sack of cash at the foot of Filner's latest pet project."

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/11/48990/ A photo sent from Mr. Box's office to Mr. Filner's office and later obtained by SD on the QT via outright theft. "Bob Filner thinks he can put a stop to a restaurant remodel approved by his own Planning …

Former Member of the High Council Donafria turns on former ally against the Development Hordes that have so long despoiled our peace, calls for his removal.

The scene, as recounted by Donafria in her impassioned speech just before taking her own life on the floor of the Senate: http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/11/48988/ UPDATE: Tibobius responds: "Qui licit Jovi non licit bovi!"

"One day, they announce his resignation, and the next, he's gone - poof."

Was struggling exec sacrificed to the baseball gods? "Look," said Padres Executive Chairman Ron Fowler, who took over Garfinkel's post as interim President, "Garfinkel's demise, er, departure was always part of the pact, er, plan. I grant that the timing …

Former Deputy Chief of Staff Allen Jones dies shortly after consuming "foraged mushroom tart" at The Linkery.

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/02/48461/ Filnero: "You want humiliation? I crucified St. Peter upside down!" Emperor Filnero's longtime aide and counsel Allen Jones died just days after resigning his post over charges of "ritual humiliation" perpetrated by Filnero on his staff, SD on the …

In wake of Irene McCormack's resignation, Mayor-turned-Emperor appoints someone he can trust to deliver his messages to the masses.

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/02/48443/ A Sunroad for the Sun God - when you think about it, it's only fitting. First statement from Communications Director Incitatus: "As the Sunroad scandal threatens to distract the people from the glory of Emperor Bobigula's, His Divine Lordship …