Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

An Execution in the Hills

Author: Salvatore Scafidi

Neighborhood: Mission Hills

Age: 59

Occupation: Retired Engineer

Ethel’s voice cuts through the hubbub of the ­grandkids’ wrestling over the Etch-a-Sketch and Dr. ­Phil’s scolding of another drug-soaked teenager. Fred blinks and brushes the crust from his eyes. ­“It’s for you. Zack, from across the street.” She hands him the phone, rolls her eyes, and returns to trimming the ­asparagus.

“Hello, Zack. ­What’s ­up?”

“Uh, hi. Uh, Fred? ­It’s me, ­Zack.”

“Yup.”

Sponsored
Sponsored

“My ­cat’s got a gopher cornered over here. Can you come quick? And bring your ­shovel!”

­“I’ll be right ­there.”

“Thanks, ­buddy!”

Finally, a chance to avenge the damage (in a minor way) these vermin have been inflicting all over this neighborhood. ­Fred’s own backyard is a moonscape. Every other yard in the area is as cratered and pockmarked as Reynard Way because of their ­excavations.

Le Bourreau solemnly rises from his couch, descends the staircase to the Vault of Doom, spins the combination, slides open the door, and scans the gloom for his favorite weapon. There she is. Her black sides are scored from her passages through the flesh and bone of countless traitors and murderers, but her lethal edge gleams in the murk. Toujours ­affile’, toujours prêt. “Ah, cher ami, together we have dispatched many a blackguard to the Ultimate Judge of Creation. Come, we must again do our sorrowful duty to the ­State.”

Fred shoulders the implement, walks down the driveway, and crosses the street. Zack leans on his ’57 Chevy pickup, smoking a cigarette. He spots Fred and starts waving and pointing to the front yard of the house next door to him. His cat crouches next to a hole in the bare dirt, eyes fixed on the gopher that stands on its hind legs three feet farther away. Zack strolls up to Fred and slurs, “Good to see ya, buddy! I was hoping ­you’d get here in time. Cute little bastard, ­huh?”

It is a beautiful little animal, a tiny ball of velvety, tan fur. Fred visualizes his hamster scuttling on the exercise wheel in its cage in his childhood bedroom. The massive sickles of the ­gopher’s incisors dispel the reverie. Its crimes are many and heinous, the murders of countless defenseless vegetables in their beds. “You have despoiled your last eggplant, petit bâtard!”

The condemned is frozen, desperate to get to that hole. The cat taunts it. ­“Here’s your escape route, the path through the Red Sea. Go for it! I dare you!” As Fred approaches, the victim swivels its attention back and forth between him and the cat. Fred measures the distance with the shovel and raises it to full stretch over his head. The gopher turns as if to run but then stops, remembering the cat can outrun him. It looks over its right shoulder one last time. “No blindfold? Bien. ­There’s a brave one. Please count backward from a hundred, and try not to ­move.”

The shovel smashes down. It misses, but the shock wave of its impact stuns the victim into immobility. The second blow is true, blasting greasy, grimy entrails out of the ­gopher’s posterior. One moment, a living creature; the next, a tiny swatch of bloody ­hair.

“Whoa, Fred! What a shot! You the man! That was ­awesome!”

­“Beginner’s luck, Zack. Think your ­cat’ll want this ­thing?”

“Nah, go ahead and bury ­it.”

“What a versatile instrument you are, mon ami! At once the means of execution and interment.” Fred digs the hole, scrapes the little carcass into it, dumps on a pile of dirt, and tamps it with a couple of hard swats. Zack congratulates him with a clap on the shoulder and bids him farewell. They disperse, one to Lynyrd Skynyrd and a few Coronitas, the other to Spongebob and shrieking ­grandchildren.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Angry Pete’s goes from pop-up to drive-thru

Detroit Pizza sidles into the husk of a shuttered Taco Bell
Next Article

Best Sports Betting Sites - 10 Online Sportsbooks Ranked for 2024

Best Sports Betting Sites (2024) - Reviews of TOP Online Sportsbooks

Author: Salvatore Scafidi

Neighborhood: Mission Hills

Age: 59

Occupation: Retired Engineer

Ethel’s voice cuts through the hubbub of the ­grandkids’ wrestling over the Etch-a-Sketch and Dr. ­Phil’s scolding of another drug-soaked teenager. Fred blinks and brushes the crust from his eyes. ­“It’s for you. Zack, from across the street.” She hands him the phone, rolls her eyes, and returns to trimming the ­asparagus.

“Hello, Zack. ­What’s ­up?”

“Uh, hi. Uh, Fred? ­It’s me, ­Zack.”

“Yup.”

Sponsored
Sponsored

“My ­cat’s got a gopher cornered over here. Can you come quick? And bring your ­shovel!”

­“I’ll be right ­there.”

“Thanks, ­buddy!”

Finally, a chance to avenge the damage (in a minor way) these vermin have been inflicting all over this neighborhood. ­Fred’s own backyard is a moonscape. Every other yard in the area is as cratered and pockmarked as Reynard Way because of their ­excavations.

Le Bourreau solemnly rises from his couch, descends the staircase to the Vault of Doom, spins the combination, slides open the door, and scans the gloom for his favorite weapon. There she is. Her black sides are scored from her passages through the flesh and bone of countless traitors and murderers, but her lethal edge gleams in the murk. Toujours ­affile’, toujours prêt. “Ah, cher ami, together we have dispatched many a blackguard to the Ultimate Judge of Creation. Come, we must again do our sorrowful duty to the ­State.”

Fred shoulders the implement, walks down the driveway, and crosses the street. Zack leans on his ’57 Chevy pickup, smoking a cigarette. He spots Fred and starts waving and pointing to the front yard of the house next door to him. His cat crouches next to a hole in the bare dirt, eyes fixed on the gopher that stands on its hind legs three feet farther away. Zack strolls up to Fred and slurs, “Good to see ya, buddy! I was hoping ­you’d get here in time. Cute little bastard, ­huh?”

It is a beautiful little animal, a tiny ball of velvety, tan fur. Fred visualizes his hamster scuttling on the exercise wheel in its cage in his childhood bedroom. The massive sickles of the ­gopher’s incisors dispel the reverie. Its crimes are many and heinous, the murders of countless defenseless vegetables in their beds. “You have despoiled your last eggplant, petit bâtard!”

The condemned is frozen, desperate to get to that hole. The cat taunts it. ­“Here’s your escape route, the path through the Red Sea. Go for it! I dare you!” As Fred approaches, the victim swivels its attention back and forth between him and the cat. Fred measures the distance with the shovel and raises it to full stretch over his head. The gopher turns as if to run but then stops, remembering the cat can outrun him. It looks over its right shoulder one last time. “No blindfold? Bien. ­There’s a brave one. Please count backward from a hundred, and try not to ­move.”

The shovel smashes down. It misses, but the shock wave of its impact stuns the victim into immobility. The second blow is true, blasting greasy, grimy entrails out of the ­gopher’s posterior. One moment, a living creature; the next, a tiny swatch of bloody ­hair.

“Whoa, Fred! What a shot! You the man! That was ­awesome!”

­“Beginner’s luck, Zack. Think your ­cat’ll want this ­thing?”

“Nah, go ahead and bury ­it.”

“What a versatile instrument you are, mon ami! At once the means of execution and interment.” Fred digs the hole, scrapes the little carcass into it, dumps on a pile of dirt, and tamps it with a couple of hard swats. Zack congratulates him with a clap on the shoulder and bids him farewell. They disperse, one to Lynyrd Skynyrd and a few Coronitas, the other to Spongebob and shrieking ­grandchildren.

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Making Love to Goats, Rachmaninoff, and Elgar

Next Article

Reader 1st place writing contest winner gets kudos

2nd place winner not so much
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.