Being hung over is a special treat. Last night I felt like I was made of golden light, all smiles and surrounded by fluffy pillows. This morning the harsh crash of trash cans in the alley reflects my condition. Metal scratching pavement and kicking up pebbles from the path where my head drags against the blacktop. After brushing my teeth for the 13th time and languishing in the shower, I'm out of my room and wandering. There's a hollow feeling everywhere I am and in everything I do. I'm hungry and full, tired but not sleepy, want to go outside but need to sit on the couch and flip channels. I am an empty ball of need, a black hole. My shoulders and elbows tingle inside and I want to keep them moving. Flip channels. Move from room to room.

Television thinks for me when I can't stand to do it myself. Original thought comes only in the form of desire today -- coffee, food, nap. In my head are thoughts, but not my own. The good life. Just do it. Low price guaranteed. The voice in my head, my voice, repeats these things, but they're not mine. Flip channels.

My coffee cup is empty. Time to get up. Go to the stand across the street to get another cup. Keep moving. Keep consuming. Fill the hole. Bourbon is poor filler. Come morning and it's splashed out by a speeding tire.

Lie on the couch watching commercials come at me sideways until my left arm falls asleep then switch over to the right. Expect more, pay less. Where do you want to go today? Click and save. You're now free to move about the country. Thanks.

Soul Plane is on DVD now. Super.

I'd rather take a punch to the yam than be hung over. You take a blow to the ghoolies, double over, feel sick for ten minutes from the pain, then it's over. Instead it feels like my brain is carved out of wood. Flip channels.

Takin' care of business!

Cram it.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, August 4

Extreme Makeover

ABC 8:00 p.m.

Last weekend I grew a tail. If it had grown longer it would have been prehensile like a monkey's, but Tuesday morning it fell off in the shower. It was still just small. I threw it off my balcony onto the street below.

Hip-Hop Show

MTV2 7:00 p.m.

I have a question for the kids who are walking around the beach in black goose-down jackets. What the hell are you doing? You think your statement is, "I'm rebellious. I don't follow even the most accepted social norms." What you are really saying is, "I cannot bear to think for myself, please someone else do it for me."

Friday, August 5

Less Than Perfect

ABC 9:30 p.m.

If my uncle isn't inventor of the phrase, "yow yow yow," then he is the only one I have ever heard use it. It is interchangeable with "running your mouth," and is reserved by Unc for when he is talking about one of his ex-wives. An example of proper use is, "So I'm out on the back porch fixing the handrail when Sherry drives up and starts yow-yow-yowing in my Goddamn ear."

Saturday, August 6

President Bush's Weekly Radio Address and Democratic Response

CSPAN 3:45 p.m.

The San Diego radio station that used to be called Star 100.7 is now called Jack. That's a sweet name. When I'm mega-rich and I own a radio station I'm going to call it Dillhole FM. That'll make a cool bumper sticker.

Sex Games: Vegas

MAX 11:40 p.m.

My new favorite euphemism for masturbation is "giving oneself hell." My favorite used to be "landing the Johnson account," but that's hard to work into a conversation. It's easier to say, "Oh, really? You walked in on George giving himself hell?"

Sunday, August 7

Over There

FX 11:00 p.m.

This hurts my soul. I'm not sure why. Something isn't right about dramatizing a war that's still going on. Hollywood is profiting from real-life dramatic situations that are happening now. Real soldiers wounded in war do not receive the best treatment. The American public is not interested in them. We're interested in the theatrical portrayal of them instead, and the actors who play them on TV are making a boatload more money. The writers, directors -- hell, the cameramen are probably better off than the soldiers. It's just too soon.

Monday, August 8

Renovate My Family

FOX 8:00 p.m.

Another "We're not good enough" show. Put us on TV. Tape our tits together to make cleavage, Vaseline our teeth, and cake makeup on our necks. Duct tape my shirt down in the back and I'll stand in front of your hot lights and camera. Make us good. Make us the good people.

Tuesday, August 9

John Ratzenberger's Made in America

TRAV 9:00 p.m.

What the hell is this about? Is that Cliffy Clavin? Oh, Cliffy. Try as you might to repackage yourself, we'll never see you doing anything else except giving us little-known facts about birds from the end seat at the bar.

Wednesday, August 10

Born Without a Face

DHC 7:00 p.m.

I miss my tail.

Thursday, August 11

The O.C.

FOX 9:00 p.m.

Thursday's a good night to go out with someone new. Have a couple drinks; tell your good stories. If she's a total dummy you haven't blown a perfectly good Friday or Saturday night. If you imbibe a little too much and feel like junk the next day, Fridays at the office are a cakewalk anyway. Just keep half of the lights in your office shut off and bring on the coffee.