Rain made a clown out of me. Not one of those funny clowns, if there ever was such a thing, but rather a sad-faced, hobo clown who forever looks as if his coffee is cold, …

Halley’s Comet appeared when I was nine. It came late at night. I was watching TV on the couch, dozing. There was a big fuss about it; every commercial break, a news anchor would tell …

Thankfully, mercifully, wonderfully, I rejoice that the holidays are over. This year I was called everything from a “lamer” to a “scrooge” because I don’t enjoy the time from Halloween to New Year’s Eve. Well, …

More people should die. Our only problem as a society is that we lack the moral resolve to let it happen. We have no distinguishable line to draw — everyone on this side we will …

Zombie hunting used to be grueling business. I never thought I’d be a zombie hunter, but then again, I’m typing this on a square of light that sits in my lap. If you’d asked me …

This miserable “era of peace” has nearly bankrupted my giant robot army before I’ve even had the chance to get any of them out the door. I’m sittin’ on 45 giant robots in a National …

All financial markets are Ponzi schemes set up to take money from the unwitting and give it to insiders. All numbers concerning stocks are manipulated to give rich people more money; they’re lies. So, you’ve …

Heymatt: I’ve gotten to wondering, how does 3D TV work? I’ve never seen it, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how it would work. — Bob S., Tierrasanta Bob S. has been bathing …

Dear Hipster: In terms of addictive behaviors, is it worse to binge-watch a Netflix show that you don’t even like, or to re-watch old shows and movies that you do like, but that you’ve seen …

The one about the little kid with supernatural powers. The shopkeeper who can magically materialize exactly what a customer needs. The episode with an invisible creature attacking people in the jungle. The show where an …